Stitch Round

On Saturday, the first day of the full moon, I finally, finally, finally got started. But I wasn't off to a good start. To begin with, my holes don't line up. I'm talking about nearly square holes in round rings, each ring getting smaller as it circles the center, and you can see in the pic- these holes aren't aligned. To solve the problem I made stitches side by side rather than cross over as is common in plastic canvas. That gave me a second problem- plastic showing between lines of stitches. Sigh.

I went back between the rows and filled them with diagonal stitches. Being that my holes don't line up evenly ring to ring, I had a few gaps, some funky places, odd placements, and a lot of cussing. I can swear in four languages and I nearly exhausted my vocabulary.

But after I got the hang of it, I thought things were going smoothly. I started with nine stitches. Nice Goddess number. I did three rows. You know, three times three equals nine. Then I did two rows of eight and that worked. But then I got to seven. Damn. Seven is prime. I had to put my work down. I was stumped. I picked up my new Steampunk Tarot deck. I found a lovely wheel with slow, curving arcs. Hmm. Seven rows of seven stitches? It worked. My design is spiraling like it should. I've decided to use the new tarot deck for sewing projects. I've always thought Tarot should be accessible. It's a tool, not a mystery or an enigma. Tarot should give answers, or at least make me think. It should fit in with the modern world and it should work for the reader and that's why I have several decks. I have a deck for magickal questions, a deck for love interests, a deck for totems, a deck for me personally, and I now have a deck for creative pursuits.I might need more. Tarot is a big place but it is limited by the medium in which it is presented. I don't like the traditional Waite-Ryder deck. I know most decks are based on it and it's an excellent way to learn to read, but the cards don't speak to me. I can't read with ordinary playing cards either, nor can I read Runes (though they are useful in spells). I need color, pictures, symbols, signs, art, and a story being told before I can relate and see how that story applies to me.

Lately, I've been feeling the desire to create. I dreamed about hand made books and now I want to make some, though I don't know what purpose they would serve. I'm feeling pushed to create something big. This may be something from the other side. Really, I don't need to start anything else, especially nothing big. I'm also being nudged to continue on with healing the past. It suddenly occurred to me that when all the original parties pass over, if none of the children and grandchildren know what the fuss was about and therefore didn't know we were supposed to hate each other, then some of us might be friends and the past wouldn't matter anymore. It was...I don't even know how to describe it. Something beyond my understanding that had shaped my life would be over. Possibly even gone like it never was. For the first and only time, I felt like I was getting somewhere in dealing with my family.

Some other things going on:
1. The 8 point garden has been built. I have started planting. Pictures soon, I promise.
2. My dogs dragged me out of the dog pen yesterday because there were coyotes over the hill and stray dogs in the yard. I skinned my arm and hand on the gate trying to wrestle overly excited labs into the house. Tonight I had the same problem but I was able to get my dogs in the house without blood shed. I fired my shotgun in the air to scare the strays and I've been sitting here wondering if my neighbors called the cops on me. I guess not as no one has knocked on my door.
3. I am slowly reading a book on Witchcraft a few pages at a time. I really like the book. I would like to sit down and devour it, I just don't have enough time. This is also why I never seem to finish a sewing project. Where the hell does my time go?
4. I can't flirt like I used to. Now I giggle helplessly. Cool Witch I am not.
5. I realized I have become my grandmother. Normal people become their mother. I jumped a whole generation. Where did my time go?
6. I think I need to start on my Kitchen Witch posts before it becomes November. I've been on break long enough since finishing up October's posts. But I am still finding cool pictures like this:

 

All He Can Eat

We interrupt the stitches for just a moment...

When I was younger I was convinced no one would love me or find me attractive. I was too skinny and much too smart and very unwilling to play dumb. When someone had a crush on me (of all people!) it left me confused. What, oh what, did they see?

I'd like to tell you I grew out of it. But of course, no one does. I gained a little weight, I lost some weight, I gave up the battle with my hair, I got older, I got rid of my glasses, I became diabetic. The last is the most troubling. Surely, I cannot be a whole person if parts of me no longer function. And you can't tell by looking at me that I have an incurable illness so often I feel like I'm lying, pretending, hiding the part of me, the real, ugly me, in the dark where no one will notice I don't work properly.

So now when a man pays attention, my first instinct is to blush. Then I'm like, what? who? me? Really, me? No! Then I fumble my way through flirting back. Because I should notice whatever attention comes my way. I'm getting old here. Maybe there's not much else coming. Maybe I should embrace whatever the wild wind brings and go out with a bang. That would be so much better than dying forgotten in the dark with the out-of-order, broken down, too costly to repair things.

He likes my hair. My hair. I bumped my head on the humming bird feeder this afternoon and spilled sugar-water all over myself. I had a sticky mop head of stingy hair. And you like it? Yeah, I showered before work, but clumsy me? Really?

He said so. He likes my hair. Then he said he likes other things. He said he didn't know where to start because I was like a buffet.

I should have asked if he liked to nibble.

At Last!

Just a quick post. I don't have much time.

Round stitchery begins! And on the full moon too! Pictured are my spindle (to spin magick into my work), rattle (empowering by sound), yarn (purple!), scissors, and my round plastic canvas, still looking like a tambourine with safety pins dangling. Next time I'll have some actual stitches to show, along with some thoughts on numbers and patterns.

Still No Stitches

Not one single stitch has been applied to my round design. I have settled on pattern, color, stitch type, magickal correspondences, and item use (meaning it will go into one of my cauldrons when complete). So was it worth it to go to Hobby Lobby a week ago? Yes. Because if I hadn't, I would still be obsessing over it and feeling depressed that I never get to start the projects I really want to do. The fact that I still haven't started is irrelevant. I could start. I'm ready. If I didn't have everything, I wouldn't be ready. Anyway, Saturday is the full moon so that might be the ideal time to begin. The unstitched plastic canvas looks like a big moon.

I'm still getting bogged down by details. I've been waking up early with low sugars then wanting to sleep after I eat. When I get up to start my day, I feel drained. Stupid diabetes.

Yesterday I did tarot work. I sat with my new Steampunk deck, smudged the cards, and wrote impressions in my notebook. This new deck won't fit in my case with my other decks. I keep running out of tarot storage. Eventually I will have a whole freakin' cabinet filled with cards. And I will love them.

The yard is demanding my attention. I have tiny tomatoes. Of the sunflowers seeds which the squirrels dug up, one sprouted. I've decided to go on and plant the pumpkins. Instead of a three sisters garden, I'll have a pumpkin patch guarded by a lone sunflower. If the critters don't eat my pumpkin seeds. And Kurt put together my 8 point star garden. He built the frame and filled it with dirt. I need to add a little topsoil, then I can start planting. He raided my fabric closet looking for some dense material to block weeds. The closet is now a mess and I need to reorganize it.

Then, as if I didn't have enough to do, Sunday I have to bake a cake, go to a birthday party, and bring home a boy who will probably demand our undivided attention until Monday. There's also a fishing trip somewhere in this weekend chaos. Maybe I can sew while Kurt and Austin fish and the dogs run amok around the pond.

Closer

It just amazes me how people lose track of dates in our modern world. There are clocks and calendars everywhere. When I check my cell phone for the time, by default I also see the day of the week and the date. At work, both time and date are on our time clock. We fill out paperwork by date. We have small calendars hanging around the line and we study them carefully, judging distance to our weekends off. And yet, somehow, not one but TWO of my co-workers did not know this coming Monday is Memorial Day and our plant will be closed. Meaning we have a three day weekend. Which is why we've been doing all this stupid over-time this week. Ancient people with no clocks kept better time by studying the sun, moon, and stars. The ancients probably weren't apathetic.

Last night the overtime got me down. I went straight to bed as soon as I came home. No shower, no computer, no sewing. Just bed. And then I couldn't sleep because I didn't wind down. I will be so glad when this week is over.

My book and tarot cards arrived today delivered by my cheerfully pleasant mail lady. She defies the going postal stereotype and seems eager to bring my packages, almost like she gets as much joy in delivering as I get from opening them.

I still haven't sewn a stitch on my round design. Each day, something keeps me tied up. I did smudge it with incense. It has been residing on my altar. When I see the safety pins dangling I think of dream catchers and tambourines. Maybe I should use sound as a magickal tool when I'm sewing.

Round, Round, Round

I didn't have to work Saturday! Yay! AND I made it Hobby Lobby! Go me. It was packed. Obviously, everybody has projects.

I still have to work 9 hour shifts this week. I think the plant is punishing us for getting Memorial Day off. I woke up early today and I tried to go back to sleep, but my body wasn't having it. My body wants to move. I'll pay for this extra activity tonight towards the end of my shift. I'm pretty sure I won't wake early tomorrow.

Because I know this week will be brutal, I think it is more important than ever to have several sewing projects with me. Now I currently have more projects than I can complete in one lifetime, but that is not the point. The point is I had an idea; then the idea became obsession.

But just the project itself wasn't enough. I started wondering why there isn't a magickal sewing tradition. I know lots of people incorporate spells into sewing, or use sewing for magick. When I say there is no tradition, I mean there is no system or practice of magick based entirely on stitchery. For example, the whole point of being a Druid is to work with Celtic Gods with nature as a backdrop. They have rules, beliefs, holidays, rites, and words. In order for there to be a sewing tradition, we would need chants for stitching, a Goddess of needlework, rules about what fibers to use, when we could sew, rules about how to start, and holidays dedicated to quilts or sewing machines.

While we have Goddesses associated with fibers and textiles, like Isis who civilized the world by teaching weaving, we stitchers don't have a set pantheon of gods. We have no special day devoted to sewing. You can't tell a stitch witch by the way we thread needles because we don't have any set ways or rules for how we do our work.

Sewing lends itself very well to spells. Sewing involves color, math, and repetition. It works for spells large and small. But it is a huge amount of work. Even a small bag can take half the day to make. And there's lots of places where things can go wrong. Imagine merrily sewing along and suddenly the sewing machine jams up. That would put a kink in magickal flow. Run out of thread? Forced to use a different color? Will that affect the spell? I just don't think there will ever be a stitch witch tradition. I'd love to see it, but I don't think it would be very practical.

But that doesn't stop me from using sewing to create magick.

A round design needs a round medium. I started counting holes and came up with 207. I settled on 9 as a base number and three shades of purple. See? 3x3. Goddess numbers. When I was counting, I used pins on every 10th hole so I wouldn't miscount. After I got 207, I used safety pins to mark the 9th holes. I started running out of safety pins. I decided to make 9 stitches of my three colors, intending to move the safety pins over as I worked. It was at this point that I recounted and got a very different number so I am still not sure how many holes are on the outer edge of my circle or even if my 3 colors in groups of nine stitches will even work. You see why there is no tradition?

Close up. I was counting and pinning during a thunderstorm. Storms are great for magick.

I found a rusty safety pin. Rust is bad for several reasons, not only will it damage cloth, magick is impeded by dirty, bent things. I cleaned out my pin cushion. I threw away this rusty safety pin, and two bent straight pins. I wiped away the dust and put everything back as neatly as possible. Organizing sewing supplies is a boring but utterly necessary thing to do.

I still have some work to do before I can start stitching. Because this work is for a spell, my supplies need to be cleansed and charged.

Hard to Love Friday When You're Working Saturday

I am done with all my October posts. I'm taking a little break before starting on November. I think I will be working on November for a long while because it will be all about Kitchen Witchery and I never have photographed my cooking.

I ordered some books last night. I shop for books more carefully than some people search for apartments. I really love the 'look-inside' feature on Amazon and that is how I settled on my choices- I looked inside, got hooked on the page I was reading, and was really annoyed when the preview didn't give me the next page. I settled on a Witchcraft book because the section I was reading talked about hedges- why they were used, how they both protected and bound villages, why it was necessary to go outside them...and oh my, I never considered hedges like that before.

My other purchase was a steampunk tarot deck and book. At first, I didn't like steampunk. I didn't get it, seemed like a bunch of ugly, pointless gears. Then Urban Threads, the embroidery site I idolize and love, starting releasing steampunk designs and I realized the style made the boring Victorian era cool and hip. The cards in the deck do not exactly draw me, what held my attention was accompanying book. The book asks the reader to change perspective. It also gives several spreads based on the view point of the characters in the cards- the Empress has her own spread. I really like this idea. It reminds me of the mediation beginners are asked to do when first acquiring a deck- to step into each card and meet the subject featured. I did this mediation with my dragon tarot deck and the card that had the biggest impact on me was the High Priestess. She was so much of an impact I call Her My Old Friend and I am always thrilled to see Her in a reading. I was looking at this steampunk deck and getting excited like when I got my dragon deck and that's why I had to have it. Now I have to wait impatiently by the mailbox. Sigh.

I planted my garden. Squirrels have dug up some of the seeds. Sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it to cultivate anything.

I am trying to sew. I need to sew. Sewing keeps my nerves from spinning on edge. I don't get much time to sew and I am starting to snap off heads when people foolishly interrupt me. I am about 70% done with my Spring sign which is fitting since spring is nearly over. The grass is done, I started filling in the background, and all that is left is the flowers. I haven't done much with the Yule card because the floss I chose keeps breaking. I guess it's just too old. Everybody loves DMC floss but I don't see how it is much better than the cheap brand I buy. It certainly tangles up like el cheapo crap. If Kurt's mother hadn't given me all her floss, I wouldn't be using DMC at all. I usually choose threads based on color, not brand. But if you want me to recommend a brand to try, I really like Sullivan's. I got a free sample with one of my cross stitch magazines and it stitched like a smooth dream. I love it. If I buy more floss, I'll probably look for Sullivan's but color will still be the basis of my final decision.

Tomorrow, even if it kills me, I'm going to Hobby Lobby before work so I can start the project I've been dying to work on. I need something to look forward to on Sunday. I can't do all this overtime without a little reward mixed in.

My spell is working, my Internet friend has decided to build a house. Yay! Happiness!

Skid Slide Into Chaos

Things were going pretty good at the beginning of the week. I had warnings of chaos to come. I tried to side-step it by staying on top of everything, but what usually happens with chaos is you don't see the mess until it is already surrounding you and when you try to scramble back you just slide deeper into the mess. Yesterday when I went in to work, I found out I have to work Saturday (damn! just when the weather turned nice!) AND THEN I will be on 9 hour shifts all next week. I felt tired just reading the notice. My line has made over production all week so I am certain Saturday I will be working on another line and I don't think that's fair. There is no reason to punish me just because the rest of the plant can't get their shit together. And the extra hour shouldn't matter much, but it does. It matters in a horrible way because it throws everything off. I'm getting home later, going to bed later, wanting to sleep longer but can't because I still have to go in at the regular time. I'll end up feeling weary and over-burdened.

While I was bumming out on my personal problems, I read a post about someone in danger of losing their home. I immediately felt sorry for her and as a large-breed dog owner myself, I know the difficultly of finding a good home for animals. Most rentals don't allow animals and if they do, they prefer something small like a cat. There's usually a limit to how many dogs you can have and if you want the big fenced in yard so your fur baby can have a safe place to play you are going to pay major $$$. I was so happy when I moved to Tallapoosa County because after months of searching, I finally found a real house with a yard AND I could keep my precious Labs. Remembering how happy I was to find an ideal home for us, I cast a spell for my Internet friend. Everyone needs a safe, secure, happy home.

Don't let chaos get you down.

I Can Do That Naked

I haven't had anymore heat rash since I started exercising at home. Naked. I've been jumping on my mini trampoline. I can't do it very long, but I have noticed my sugar goes way down afterwards. Conclusion- a little bit of intense exercise is better than going for a long slow walk. It is certainly less itchy. It also frees up a lot of my time, and I don't have to worry about snakes, bugs, speeding cars, leering men, or dogs escaping to go with me.

I went to the feed store and inquired about chicken or hog wire. I was told they sold both. I asked where it was. The store clerk, with his retro Elvis-like, sort of a mullet haircut, gave me bad directions. He sent me into a room filled with tact, boots, and all things horse-related. I wandered around, found the room I needed in the opposite direction that he indicated, and found no wire of any kind. I got the feeling he didn't think women should be buying manly stuff like fencing. I don't think I need to explain that I want to put some in the dog pen to keep my dogs from digging out. I really don't think it's anyone business why I want wire. Annoyed, I left without buying anything. After I got home, I realized I may have enough hog wire to do what I need. But at least I know not to shop in that feed store. I've been in there before and the other guy was nice. I just don't want to go back.

I am almost finished with my October Witch posts. I intended to finish Monday but Kurt got off work far to early and stayed under me the rest of the day. Today I tried to wrap things up and I couldn't get to some of my pictures. Sigh. Try, try, try again.

My tarot cards indicate more chaos. My horoscope indicates this week could be complicated if I fail to pay attention to details. I'm trying to stay on top of things, pay bills early, keep the house clean, plan ahead, and work in my garden. I feel very rested, even if I'm exhausted, if I spend the day outside. I'm also using magick to remove problems, to protect myself, and to secure what I want. I'm not starting anything major, I'm just focusing on my life so small details don't become huge problems.

In sewing, I'm working on a Christmas card. I know making them now is the only way to be done in December. I'm still working on my spring sign. I keep getting bored with it. I know it will be pretty when completed, but the work in progress is not holding my attention. I think now I'll be done before the summer solstice so my next sign will be autumn. Maybe after that I can do summer and then winter. I used to think of the Turn of the Wheel as being on big wheel, but obviously there are several small wheels turning the big one and I never seem to be on the wheel currently turning. And speaking of wheels, I figured out how to do my round design. I haven't started because Hobby Lobby is closed on Sunday. I think that's really dumb because each weekend I spend Saturday doing chores and running errands. I shop for groceries and cook. On Sunday, I settle down to craft or sew and it is then I realize I need yarn of a certain color and Hobby Lobby is closed. There is no other craft store in my town. No A.C. Moore, no Michael's, no Ben Franklin Crafts, no nothing. There are Wal-Marts and ONE has a fair sized craft department BUT it is always in disarray and if they have what I need I can't find it. Besides, I'd rather take a beating than go to Wally World on the weekend.

I have a similar problem with my local library which is open for one hour on Sunday. Do I ever remember this early in the morning? Noooooo. People need to stop screwing with my Sundays.

The Price of Love

Kurt's son is having a birthday this month. He has been asking for a guitar for ages. Last weekend Kurt and I went to our local book/music/video store because they buy used books. I traded in two hard backs for store credit, then applied the credit toward a dvd about how to play guitar, lots and lots of picks, and a pick holder. Kurt found a very nice acoustic with strings, strap, cd, and more picks. The guitar was $119. Kurt called his mother, she agreed to go half. Kurt decided to buy the guitar this Friday when he got paid.

Yesterday, Kurt emailed me an Amazon link for a student sized guitar priced at $18 plus $16 for shipping. Which confused me because he just picked out a really nice, full-sized guitar.

It seems Grandma couldn't afford to buy anything on Friday because she's broke. She knew she was broke when she eagerly offered to go in with Kurt on the guitar. Now mind you, Kurt didn't need his mother to pay anything. He could have bought it Sunday. But since his son really, really, really wants a guitar, Kurt thought it would be more meaningful if it was a family gift and not just a Dad gift. Kurt wanted his son to know that we all, Kurt, me, and Grandma, all believe in and support our budding musician. That's why I got all the stuff to go with the guitar. All that was needed was music lessons and we thought Kurt's sister could handle that.

Grandma wants to show out. She's not thinking about Austin or what he wants. She's thinking about how long he's been asking for a guitar and how cool she will be if she saves the day by being the ONLY ONE who produces the. best. birthday. gift. EVER.

It's all fine and good to want to save the day but I don't think you should go behind your son's back to do it. Kurt told me they argued all day about the guitar. He said she sent him the link and said not to worry about buying anything because she was about to make an order. Kurt realized she was going to buy the guitar and only put her name on it so it looked like it was all her idea. That would mean Grandma is cool and Dad didn't buy Austin anything and that hurt Kurt's feelings. So now he has to hurry up and buy a guitar before anyone else does.

Sometimes I just can't believe adults behave this way. I can't believe this family's mindset of needing to 'buy' affection, and I especially have a difficult time trying to understand doing it when there is no money. Where is the logic in not being able to eat for a week but hey! I purchased some cool shit! What? I'm dreading the party now. I'm sure I'll get the evil eye all afternoon.

Getting Closer- Before & After

This is the garden after Kurt mowed it:

And this is the garden after I took a hoe to it:

Almost done. I had to stop because I was getting hot and grumpy. I hate this part of gardening because it is all work and no fun. I love the planning- browsing seed catalogs, drawing plans, making lists, and I love the planting, and I especially love harvesting. There's nothing to like about clearing ground.

I'm trying to wait for a better moon phase to plant. Notice I said try. I have no idea what the weather will do or what diabetes will make me feel. Or what my dogs will do. I spent a good bit of time chasing Queen this morning after she escaped. I don't know if you are aware of his, but all Labradors are Harry Houdini reincarnated.

After 30-Odd Years?! You've Got to Be Kidding Me

I am very determined to exercise. I hate it. But I must do it if I want to stay alive because regular exercise is one of the three keys to life with diabetes (the other two being diet and insulin). If I skip on one my quality of life suffers. I don't mind doing stuff, gardening, hiking, swimming, what have you, but I hate making myself exercise because when I have to do something all the enjoyment of the thing is gone. I can't enjoy my hike because I'm wondering how much sugar I'm burning off. And while exercise is necessary, it has an evil twist- at first sugar goes up. Exercise is an oxymoron; my sugar goes up so it can go down later in the long run. And THEN, there's a second evil twist- it can lower my sugar too much leaving me weak and confused. Exercise makes no sense what so ever.

You're probably wondering why I don't just keep busy and let exercise work itself out. It never works that way. I mean never. This weekend I planned to plant pumpkins. I still have to pull weeds and that's a ton of exercise, right? It rained. Well, whatever, I'll clean house instead. Except Kurt decided to be a good house-husband and he mopped, did laundry, and took care of the dogs. He stole my exercise from me and there wasn't anything left for me to do but cook and wash dishes which hardly causes me to break into a sweat.

Sunday morning I went for a long walk. My ankles started to itch. Both legs. I thought that was odd, but I just scratched my ankles and marched on. Then the backs of my knees started to itch. Hmmm. I headed back home. The itching worsened. It felt like the burning, stinging itch of poison ivy. I didn't understand at all, I was walking down a paved road, not ambling around the woods. I didn't see how anything could sting me through my jeans on both legs at the same time. The itching burned in a maddening way. I started getting really irritable. I called Kurt on my cell and snapped at him to come get me NOW. He was damn slow about it and I snapped his head off again for not letting me out before parking his truck.

I started undressing as soon as I entered the house. My legs were an ugly, splotchy red. I showered in cool water because hot water hurt. Then I applied powder and took an allergy pill. The itching stopped but I still couldn't figure out what happened. I suddenly had a memory of being a small child, crying on a hot day, and my mother telling me I had heat rash so we had to go inside.

When I was small, I got heat rash all the time. My mother carried a change of clothes and powder everywhere we went. All my clothes had to be cotton. I would always become cranky and that's how my mother knew. She'd carry me into another room and sure enough, ugly red covered my skin. I don't remember having heat rash after I got old enough to go to school so I thought I just grew out of it.

This weekend we had record breaking low temperatures. Kurt informed me that on this date in 1954 it was 50 degrees. Then he told me the current temp was 49. Sunday night he checked again and it was 48. I was glad we were in our warm little house. I wondered if it was wise to plant pumpkins. I wondered how long it would be cold. And how in the hell did I get heat rash on the coldest Sunday in May?

Today I took another walk. I wore shorts. I also had on a jacket because it's still cold. Before I had gone very far, my ankles started to burn. Maybe my socks aren't 100% cotton. I turned around. I was generous with the powder. I'm going to put a bottle in my truck and I'm thinking carefully about what to wear to work. As for exercise, I guess I'll have to find something I can do in the house- naked.

May Day, May Day, May Day.....

Gardens should have a theme. Mine is always 'neglect'.

I've been wanting to plant a 3 Sisters Garden for years and I always get talked out of it. (Why do I let people who have nothing to do with my home talk me out of growing things? WHY?) A three sisters garden is merely sunflowers, beans, and pumpkins growing together, each plant giving the others something it needs- sunflowers provide sturdy stalks for pumpkins vines, beans release nitrogen into the soil, and pumpkin leaves cover the ground discouraging weeds. Last year, I started seeds in pots and my dog Queen chewed them all up. This year, I decided to wait until May and plant directly into the ground. This morning it suddenly dawned on me it is May. Can I plant now? Noooooo. Remember that neglect I mentioned?

The current state of the garden. I planted broccoli and cauliflower. It didn't do very well. Then I sort of forgot about it. Now it's a weedy mess.

Some of the weeds are pretty.

I pulled up all the spent veggies. I'll have Kurt run the lawn mower over this patch and then I clear the rest out with a hoe. Then, maybe, I can plant. And maybe I'll actually remember the plants are out here and maybe they'll grow. But that's a lot of maybe's.

Questioning Enemy Intellegence

I may have read the cards wrong.

In my last post, I said a new man was showing interest, I read my cards to get a handle on him, and, as always, the cards indicate drama. I just assumed he already had drama. It didn't occur to me drama would be about him but not caused by him.

This really isn't a new guy post. This is actually an ugly-bitches-be-jealous post.

I don't see the guy as anything more than a harmless flirtation. I don't intend to develop a relationship with him. He chats, teases me a little, and that's it. But some people are extremely upset because no one is showing any attention to them.

If you find yourself wondering why no male is looking at you, perhaps you could put on something other than sweatpants and old t-shirts. Maybe you could brush your hair and teeth. Maybe you could have something pleasant to say. Do you find yourself drawn to the ugly guy lurking in the corner with the nasty attitude? No? Hmmm....now why do you think men would find the same thing attractive in women? They don't. That's why no one is flirting with you. Now stop being jealous of me. All I did was shower before work and mind my manners.

Let's called the guy Johnny B. Goode (JB for short) because he reminds me of a Good Ol' Boy but more in a Southern Gent kind of way and not in a privileged kind of way. He's nice, a little heavy but not bad looking, and if I were man hunting he would be on my list. He's 40, middle management, divorced, and very outdoorsy. Every single time JB says anything to me, Jenn starts running her mouth.

Jenn's friend Mary works right beside me. Mary doesn't like me. Which is fine; I don't like her. She doesn't talk to me, she spends the whole night chatting to whomever is beside her. Last night I realized Jenn's comments and the subject of Mary's conversations are almost always identical.

Hmmm. Are they trying to feed me bullshit?

At first I thought Jenn would talk to Mary during lunch. The subject of their conversation would still be on Mary's mind so she would sound out ideas on someone else. I can't help but hear because we're all standing so close together but I never really paid any attention because I thought it was just idle chitchat. Suddenly, Mary's conversations are about other companies hiring and this job might be laying off because that's what they did last year. You know when you hear talk like that you polish up your resume and check job listings. Except I don't need my job so I don't care if I get laid off or not. But Mary doesn't know that. She probably thinks I am struggling to pay bills. She probably hopes I flew into a panic, filled out a bunch of applications, and is praying I'll take the first job that calls. That's one way to get rid of coworkers you don't like.

JB waved goodnight as he left. I heard Jenn hissing about 'sexual harassment'; managers shouldn't show special attention to any one person. I heard Fran telling her to let it go, she was over reacting. Then Mary starts a new story- how the old manager got fired for sexual harassment. His 'girlfriend' also got the boot.

I'm wondering if I'm imagining things. Maybe Jenn's just got a loud mouth and her negative comments jogged Mary's memory. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. But every once in a while, Jenn asks me a question about my personal life, like she's fishing for information. And while Mary makes it a point to show how hard she's ignoring me, sometimes she stands closer to me. Then she starts a story. Almost as if she wants me to hear.

I have to wonder if they're smart enough to do this kind of thing. Then I have to ask myself, if they are smart enough to plan this, why are they bothering? Shouldn't they be smart enough to rise above it? Are their lives so pathetically boring that they mess with people's lives just for fun? I have to ask myself, is it really true? Have I seen them do anything like this before? And yes, I have. I've seen them get rid of two temps. I've seen them run and tell. I've heard them talk badly about other people. I've watched countless times as they have involved themselves into things that are none of their business, gossiped, lied, and then laughed as the dust cleared and people were in a bigger mess than they were in before.

I think it's time to light the black candles.