Sunday, March 17, 2024
Studio Sunday On St. Patrick's Day
Saturday, March 16, 2024
:shaking:
I have been a mess. I am trying to heal childhood trauma and break generational curses. I want to lower cortisol levels. I am trying to stay in the moment. I would like for my body to stop hating me so that my stress induced rashes chill the fuck out.
I started off good. My husband went to work this morning. I got up with him. I tried to wake up slowly. I rubbed a crystal on my feet, figuring a little reflexology would help. I made breakfast, focusing on protein. I drank a lot of water. I braided my hair and started journaling.
I waited to drink coffee. I made sure I exercised this morning. I waited to check my phone. The morning was good. I felt calm. Nothing itched.
Then my mother showed up. She called 911 and hung up at 7:45. They texted her to see if she was okay. She didn't know what to do, so she came to my house, banging on the door and walking in before I even knew who was here. Then she stood in the open doorway while I struggled to keep my dog from running out.
And IDK, next there was a lot of yelling, her swearing she didn't touch the phone, even though the call list said otherwise. I made her use her phone. She cussed at me again, and tried to leave, but I wouldn't give her the phone until she agreed to learn how it worked.
Then her neighbor called because she had called him too. Then Verizon called to finish setting up her account. Then she wouldn't give me her social security number because she doesn't want me to have it.
After 20 minutes, we finally got her account set up. I went back to making her use her own phone, which she swore no one had ever shown her. I told her to stop lying because I watched Youngest Son show her how to make calls. She asked a lot of stupid questions that had nothing to do with anything, repeatedly ignored me, interrupted every time I tried to talk, and told me repeatedly that she didn't understand the phone that no one on earth had ever tried to help her with it.
And I would start over. I would show her. I would make her touch the screen. She would try to leave. I would take the phone away until she sat down. Then we would go right back to the beginning, with her insisting that she knew nothing about the phone.
She refuses to wear her hearing aids. She couldn't hear me. So I'd talk louder. Then she said she wasn't going to learn if I was hollering at her.
She finally left. I went in the bedroom and drank bourbon. Before 9 o'clock in the morning.
The my OTHER stressor, my mother-in-law, called me to talk about church. I had to enforce boundaries with her. Repeatedly.
Then I started over. I walked on the treadmill. I took a long shower. I read my book of shadows. I took my plants outside.
I am still a mess, but I refuse to let the entire day be ruined.
Blessed be.
Friday, March 15, 2024
ha, ha, ha, ha
This week I decided to cut back on caffeine. Mind you, I said cut back. I didn't say shit about quitting.
My allergies, which are stressed induced, are worsened by caffeine because that makes me jittery, which clouds the anxiety. Really, I have no idea what I'm feeling most of the time. I can't address it if I don't know it's there.
So I went one day without coffee. My stomach hurt. A headache kicked my ass. I kept longing for coffee. But I held firm, and I was more physically active. The day seemed longer. I think I was more present in the moment.
The next day, I made a pot of coffee. It tasted like fabulous sin in a cup and I absolutely loved it. I tried to stop at 3 cups.
This morning, I didn't even try to avoid caffeine because I knew I would deal with my mother at least once. Any change in routine, even if it is beneficial to your mental health, causes stress. Stress triggers allergies. Sure, the caffeine is fucking me up, but my mother pushes all my buttons, and I can only deal with so much at once. No, there is never a good time to cut back on caffeine. The timing is never right. Ever.
I started dealing with my mother yesterday. She came over here 3 times, maybe 4. My husband also tried to deal with her, and at some point, he told her to call me. Then he felt bad, so he called me to apologize.
So my plan yesterday was to garden, but that didn't really happen because I kept getting stressed out, and then my sugar would drop. And the rashes on my neck, arms, and legs itched so much they burned.
I did do a little bit of gardening.
Thursday, March 14, 2024
Thursday
Well, I was right- I posted a pic of a nude woman and Pinterest banned a different picture for the same violation. I deleted a lot myself. I'm trying to use up my pins. Things I want to keep, I saw to my computer. I hate what Pinterest has become.
But moving on to better things, I have garden porn!
Wednesday, March 13, 2024
Tuesday, March 12, 2024
Tuesday Cards
I write letters to my aunt. I don't like to send anything that isn't good news. I'm starting to feel that way about blogging, so instead of complaining, here's the cards I drew this morning.
Monday, March 11, 2024
Monday Morning
Good morning, my dears. I am still a frazzled ball of nerves.
My lawyer needed a list of all the doctors I have seen in the past ten years. I laughed. I am a type 1 diabetic and I have lost count. He told me to write down what I could remember. So I made a long incomplete list, and spent a long time googling addresses/phone numbers. This chore loomed over me all weekend. I deliberately avoided making the list because I knew it needed my full attention. Every single time I sit at my desk, no matter what I'm doing- making calls, paying bills, creating art, my children can't function without me. They ask me a series of ridiculous questions, bring me forms that need parental signatures, start arguments with each other, whine for cookies, and get attacked by our asshole cat.
I waited until Monday morning, after the boys went to school, and Will went to work. It took a long time. After I hit send, I thought of four or five more doctors I could have listed. Feeling terribly anxious, I got in the shower, where I remembered that I was supposed to scan tax returns, too. The tax info is the thing bothering my husband. He has started nagging me about it. I think if it is bothering him that much, he should gather the forms himself. But no. He expects me to do it because I'm the wife with the file box of important paperwork. This has opened a whole other side of resentment which I didn't know was pissing me off until this morning. Why the fuck am I the only responsible adult in this marriage?
So it's a very early 8 a.m. (time changed this weekend), with sleep deprivation, annoyance, frustration, forgetfulness, Internet searches, marital bickering, and me questioning 10 years of life choices. Given how much my stomach hurts, I am really glad I didn't try doing this over the weekend.
I realized Middle Son was vaping on Saturday. He kept randomly running into the bedroom, where I could hear him coughing. Then he would douse himself in cologne to cover the vape smell. The amount of cologne he used triggered my allergies, so of course I noticed. Will confronted him. He gave us a vape. On Sunday morning, I sat down on the couch. The smell of nicotine was over-powering. I said something to both boys, who insisted they didn't have a vape. This morning, Middle Son was in the bathroom, trying to quietly smother his coughs into a towel. I told him if he quit vaping his breathing problems would go away. He told me he doesn't vape. Sure. And Saturday you had a vape in your pocket for no reason.
Saturday night, I got an email notification that I had a message on Etsy. Someone, maybe Etsy, maybe not, said my account is suspended until I verify that I am a seller. The message itself was no-reply. The email notification was no-reply. I went to the help center, searched account suspended, and got over 200,000 search results where other people had their accounts suspended. I looked at my shop, which was not flagged in any way, and all my listing were active. I googled how to email Etsy. I sent an email. It bounced right back because the email address is invalid. I tried the contact us option on the website, which warns against false emails, and told me what a real email address would look like, but it didn't allow me to actually contact anyone. This is the second time that Etsy has suddenly taken offense to my shop but can't tell me why. Last time, I could reply to the email they sent me. It took days for them to answer me, then they said it was merely a formality, not a real problem. This time, I can't reply. I figure if they're going to close my shop, they will email me again. I really hate Etsy.
Pinterest is deleting pins left and right. They deleted ones they reinstated after reviewing. They deleted a picture of adults kissing because it violates "adult content." I went looking for a project because I couldn't remember the name and I couldn't find it anywhere. Did Pinterest delete it because it went against community guidelines? It was a star. I couldn't search my own pins. I got three things I pinned, and two dozen others I had never seen before. Pinterest offered to sell me a star lantern on Amazon for an undisclosed price.
My mother's birthday is tomorrow. I decided to mail her a card, but I didn't think to buy one in time. Obviously, if I mail it today it will arrive late. Now I think I should take the card to her, but I had the idea of sending a card so I wouldn't have to see her. Taking her the card defeats the purpose. Maybe I shouldn't do anything. Either way, she's going call me a stupid, little bitch.
I'm disappointed with Studio Sunday's post. I never had time to write. There was the whole unable-to-sit-at-my-desk thing. I didn't want to post a spell I hadn't done yet, but I was running out of time to do the spell. I didn't have photos of anything else. I'd like to post pictures of what I'm working on, though right now making art seems very pointless.
Blessed be. I hope you're doing better than me.