This & That

My phone is turning itself off for no reason. Being that I am diabetic and the phone is my lifeline, I NEVER turn it off. No matter what time of the day or night you call, I will answer. Because if I don't, someone panics, calls a few of my friends/family/associates tells them I must be dead because I am not answering, and then a dozen people either call me or come banging on my door and boy, are they pissed when they see I am not dead and I have worried them for nothing.

Since I never turn my cell off, I just assume that it is on. Gradually, I will realize I haven't gotten any calls or texts in a while. I'll check my phone. It is off. I'll turn it on. It goes right back off. Finally, I'll get it to stay on for 15 minutes, then I'll get a bunch of texts and voicemails first saying I better be in a diabetic coma, and then asking if I'm pissed off.

The only time I see the phone turn itself off is when I'm trying to send a text message. As soon as I open the slide (because I MUST have the full keyboard) the phone goes dead. There is no warning, just dead. I keep forgetting this will happen. In fact, I will be typing away before I notice the screen is black. Then I feel like a bad person because I am certain whomever I am texting is on pins and needles awaiting my reply and I am just letting them hang. I can find no reason for my phone to turn itself off other than cell phones are designed to fall apart shortly after purchased so we will be forced to buy new ones.

Relationships, for good or bad, train us how to act with future lovers. The baggage I carried over is letting the man take the lead. Kevin thought he needed to take of me. If I ever made a suggestion or asked about his money, he took it as I thought he wasn't able to be the man of the house. To avoid fights, I got in the habit of telling him about problems and letting him decide how to deal with them. That was not easy for me. I used to deal with things myself because it wouldn't even occur to me that I could ask for help. Kevin and I had a lot of fights at the beginning of our relationship. I hated fighting with him. I started looking for ways to avoid fights and he slowly took over my life. It got to the point that my whole world revolved around him because if it didn't then I was obviously having an affair. Breaking up with Kevin was very liberating. Seeing how much he controlled me was astounding. I thought it would be a long time before I got into another situation like that.

But relationship patterns are not based on the actions of just one person. It was my fault too, for letting Kevin control me. I took a really passive role. This weekend I learned I was still being passive.

Money is still a problem. I was starting to get angry about it because I felt like Kurt was looking for excuses not to go to work. To make it worse, he has a bit of the man-as-breadwinner mentality because he wants me to stay at home. And if he was actually working every day it wouldn't be a problem. I like staying home. But I shouldn't be home when the bills aren't being paid. But he didn't want me to work unless I 'had to.' I think we're to the point where I 'have to' but he doesn't agree. Yet, he wasn't working either. Thoroughly pissed, I threw a fit. I TOLD him where to work today. Lo and behold, it worked. For the first time in over a week, Kurt got up at five am, got dressed, and went to work. Kurt is passive too. His ex always told him what to do and he is waiting on me to take charge.
Two passive people in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. While I don't want a man controlling me, I don't want to be the mother either. I feel like if I have to tell my man what to do, and if I make all the decisions, then it's just like having a kid in the house and I don't want to be in a relationship with a child, I want a man. I'm trying to find a balance between clearly stating my wants without being overbearing. All of this making me question my choices but that is a whole other post.

I have worried about money nearly every day. I hate worrying. To give me something else to focus on so I don't freak out, I've been sewing. I started making rugs. I tried making rugs before and got nowhere. It's a very time consuming process. Rugs should be made by anal-retentive people because if the rug isn't carefully laid out exactly right then it won't look well at all. I found instructions online for making a rag rug using strips of cloth and clothesline then sewing it by machine. I couldn't find any clothesline anywhere and was feeling discouraged until, duh, I remembered I could spin cords. Each day, I spin a thick cord. This is great because I have lots of yarn I need to use up, but there's not enough to really make into anything. So I clear out my closet, spin, think about circles and patterns and magick all day. The next day, I cut ugly cloth into long strips. This also helps clear out the closet. I wrap the cloth around yesterday's cord and stitch. That really doesn't take long at all, so then I start cutting out quilt pieces. I think about all the pieces of my life, where I am on my journey and where I might be going next. At the end of the day, my mind is still and tomorrow seems more hopeful because it's a brand new day with a fresh start.

I cast a much wider net in hopes of being in more money. It worked, I've got $80 coming via a small sewing job. I'm trying to figure out how I can keep expanding. My father used to be in construction. My mother often said he worked himself out of a job because once a building was complete, there was nothing else to do. Sewing jobs are like that. There's nothing to do but look for another one.

While I have been busy manifesting, some things are manifesting themselves. Kurt got a speeding ticket and a warning for worn tires in my truck. On the same day, I got a letter from the Alabama Department of Revenue. They were doing a random insurance check and I had to fill out a form with all my insurance information. I felt like these two unrelated things both involving my truck were a sign. I renewed my truck protection spell. The next day, my mother asked if I needed new tires and offered to buy me some. I didn't mention the warning or anything else. I just thought I needed to find a way to get tires and then she offered. I see this as proof that our thoughts shape our lives more than anything else so please, people, think good things! And no, she isn't buying me tires. Only one tire is badly worn so I made it into the spare and next month we'll see if I actually need to buy tires. Maybe by then my money issues will be resolved and I can afford to take care of my own truck.

It's finally fall. Yesterday was breezy and wonderful so I turned off the air and opened all my windows. It's nice to feel the elements instead of wondering what the weather is like outside. The garden is still growing. We have plenty of food. The house is clean. My dogs are happy. My sugar is good. I've been doing magick every day and my favorite holiday is coming. I am still rereading Craft books and I have several ideas for incorporating things into my practice of Witchcraft. And best of all, my two favorite totems have appeared- turtle and fox. I love both of these animals. I think I am a turtle but I would love to be a fox. I get happy when turtle appears and good things always happen when fox comes around. And I just remembered, I dreamed about rabbits last night. I like rabbits and they are fox food, so I think this means things are balancing in my life.