Not Pregnant

I started my period today. We are still trying. I am very confused because my breasts are fuller, I had cravings, and I was moody. We were having an argument about whether or not I was pregnant. Kurt said if I was, I would have milk. I squeezed one breast. Clear fluid came out. I just knew I was pregnant. We bought a pregnancy test which was negative. I thought maybe it was just too early to test, and intended to retest tomorrow, but I started today and now I feel utterly lost. I have a doctor's appointment around the twenty-something. I have a lot to ask my doctor.

In other, less important doings, we got the stuff to fix the floor. It was $102 and some change which astounded me. I thought maybe 50, 60 bucks. Yikes. I don't know how people remodel their homes. I am only doing the floor. I can't imagine trying to replace cabinets and paint.

Money is still a huge issue. There is simply none. Mom came to my rescue. She paid my rent, then gave me an extra $280 which is why I chose to go ahead and fix the floor. If I had been paying attention to price, I would have put the money on something else. I probably should have picked some other project/cause, but I really wanted to fix the floor before my landlord saw the damage. Since I bought the tile, Kurt is doing the work, and I am giving my landlord the receipt for his tax purposes, there shouldn't be a problem. But I still have an an underlying sense of anxiety.

Actually, I have vague anxiety about life in general. I worry about not having enough money, about diabetes, about not having a baby, about having a baby, my job, and well, just everything.

My house is clean. This is the only thing I am not stressing over. Kurt is the ONLY man I have ever been with who actually helps around the house. He sweeps, mops, washes dishes, and makes the bed. Because I have less housework, I have been sewing more. I also do more magick. This is how the floor fix came about. I decided to wave my wand. I do this occasionally when life is overwhelming. Sometimes, life is just too much, I don't know what to do, so I wave the wand. I didn't actually wave it this time, I just thought about it. When you think stuff and it happens, that is called wishcraft. Be careful of your thoughts.

I seriously hate my job. I am waiting for Kurt to find another job before I start looking, just in case the first one he finds doesn't work out. I hope I can stand it that long. I hate my boss. Nobody else likes him either. My sugar drops four times a night. I don't do anything but get pissed. I am trying to keep my head down, mind my own business, be good...but I want to have a screaming fit.

And my skin looks horrid. I work in a welding factory. The soot gets down in my pores. I have under the skin acne. I look old and tired. My hair is greasy. I feel achy, sore, and grumpy. All my readers need to go buy something from my Etsy shop right now, seriously- this very minute, so I can quit my job. Please.

I met my future in-laws. My mother-in-law thinks I am nice. She is happy we are trying for a baby. The fact we are not married doesn't seem to matter. She told Kurt to start a new family with me. No pressure or anything o_O