I Guess There's Irish People Everywhere. Or At Least They Think They Are

Today's title comes from the movie 'Million Dollar Baby' (which you really ought to see just for the outstanding acting). In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I had to tell you I'm Irish. I'm only part Irish, and I have never been to Ireland. Nor I can name one family member who's been there or speaks the language. All I know about my heritage is what I've seen on television and I'm sure most of that is wrong.

If you really want to know, I am practically a walking Europe. My father is German, English, Scottish, Irish, and Cherokee. I call him a British Germ. My mother is a French-Irish Native American. Being that both sides of my family have been in the South since before it was called South, I consider myself Southern. If you took a random poll of White Southerners, about 90% would claim Indian ancestry. And every damn one has pasty white skin. 85% of those would be descended from a chief. I doubt there were ever that many Indians down here and I know the chiefs weren't fathering that many children. But I digress.

My point is, when you're made of so many bits and pieces, it's hard to claim something as heritage because you only get a little tiny part. Other people have a much bigger claim and when it becomes obvious you don't know and understand what you lay claim to, then you look like a fake, a wannabe, an impostor trying to pass as something you're not.

But I can't deny the fact that I don't tan. I burn. I turn lobster red in just a few moments. After being an unsightly, painful red for three or four days, I peel. Then I look like an ugly, shedding snake. After all that, I am just as white as ever with a few more freckles sprinkled over my shoulders. I use 50 SPF sunblock. On more than one occasion, I have gotten sun poisoning which is being so burnt that I started vomiting. When I was 17 I got so sunburned I couldn't wear a shirt because it hurt to have anything touching my skin. Damn Irish genes. What happened to that fucking Cherokee DNA?

So the only thing I seem to have inherited does me no good and instead of having a cool accent everyone tries to imitate, I have a drawl everybody makes fun of. Evidently I didn't get any of that famous luck either.

St. Patrick's Day is a holiday when I feel like the whole country is making a mockery of my culture and using it as an excuse to drink beer. But I'm not sure exactly how it's insulting because Irish people seem to go right along with it. Maybe that's their great contribution- the ability to put on a good face and laugh at ourselves.