I said earlier the cards indicated a confrontation. I thought it was work related. Then Sunday, Kevin texted me. And we were going back and forth when suddenly he told me he bought me a ring before I broke up with him.
I did not believe him. First, we were together over 7 years and if you ain't proposed in 7 years, you ain't gonna do it. Second, we didn't have money. That was the whole reason I had to go back to work. Third, what the damn fuck- he left too easy. Fourth, he was jealous and possessive to the point I couldn't stand it anymore and now suddenly he tells me he was about to propose?!
He sent me a picture of the ring and I still didn't believe it. How could I? I can't get my head around it.
I called him. He made me cry. I spent a lot of time Sunday staring at the floor and wondering exactly what happened.
I finally started texting him again and we ended up with me telling him to come home.
Are we back together- I'm not sure.
I think we're starting over. I have no idea where I stand. I think no matter what happened before, now is a whole different ball game. I am sure he won't ask me to marry him. He was about to, I walked out, and he's probably not taking anymore chances.
What I probably need to do is just devote myself entirely to this man. But I have doubts. Boy, do I ever have doubts. We are not talking about it. We are functioning as if the last six months didn't happen. The problem is, I can't erase that time. And you know who ALWAYS appears when I am unavailable? Mr. Dragon. Aarrrrggggh. What am I supposed to do? I can't have both. And I don't think I need more than one man because one man is way too much to cook for and deal with. This is a hot mess from hell. Kevin doesn't know about Mr. Dragon. I don't want to tell him. Mr. Dragon does know about Kevin, but not about the ring. I don't want to tell him. The simplest solution might be to dump them both and move to the other side of the country.
AND THEN (of course, the story gets even better, you didn't think this was simple, did you?) there's Jeff. That's more questions. I though it was simple (hahahaha). Before the day the bottom fell out, I was thinking maybe he was a nice guy and I should give him a chance. So I've been friendly and flirty. Then Sunday happened. Monday, Jeff started touching me- squeezing my shoulder, grabbing my hand. I encouraged this. Now I don't know how to undo it without appearing to be a complete basket case. And I'm not sure if I want to undo it because I don't think I'm back with Kevin and he's probably not going to propose anyway. But I don't know what Kevin is thinking. Maybe he's about to surprise me. Maybe he has decided not to waste anymore time. Maybe I am really, really, really stupid.
Do you know (not off subject, just bear with me) if you read the Tarot, you can find out what a person is feeling? It's very simple, you shuffle the deck, picture the person, ask to see their emotions, then draw a card. It's an overview, and not dead accurate because people often feel conflicting emotions. Thus when I try to read Kevin's emotions, several cards will fall out- cards indicating love, his children, and worries because he is having some health issues. Which makes me feel bad because a good woman would just take care of him. Cards for Mr. Dragon indicate sexual desire- and fear. Which concerns me. Card for Jeff- the demented joker. Can we say RED FLAG! I don't know Jeff well enough to know what's going on. I think Jeff is already in a relationship mess and wants out. The problem is, people rarely leave relationships unless they think something better has landed in their lap. I don't want to be anyone's savior or last hope or reason to live. And that sort of eliminates all three. On the other hand, I DO want a deep connection with someone so I can share my life with them and their life with me. And if I connect, then I am something to someone, and probably damn important, otherwise, there'd be no connection.
This is so fucked up. Stay tuned. Nothing's hit the fan yet.
The Witchcraft of FreeDragon
3 comments:
the only question to ask yourself is "are you in love with any of these men?" This should be a very easy question to answer. If you are, your response will be immediate - if you are not, you may have to think about it.
There are many reasons that women are with men, but relationships that are happy and last are the ones where both people are in love with each other. In-love is different than love.
If your answer to the question is "I don't know,"or "I don't know what being in-love is" then you are not in love. And from my experience, without this, a relationship is doomed, even if it takes years to admit it. (ask divorced people)
I wish someone had told me this a long time ago. After many years and several failed relationships I am with the person I'm in love with and because of that, this relationship is wonderful and effortless.
I hope you get clarity on this situation soon. And don't be afraid to be alone. Sometimes alone time is needed in order to find out what YOU want.
Don't waste your good years on anyone you are not in love with.
I know you didn't ask for advice here, so take or leave mine as you like.
I have to say, I think you got guilted into asking him to come home.
Were you that unhappy and miserable when he was gone? It didn't seem that way from your blog posts.
If you're even considering the other two, then you aren't ready to commit to anyone at all.
What's wrong with just taking some time to get to know you, date around and see what suits you and have some fun before devoting yourself entirely to one person for the rest of your life?
Just my thoughts on the subject. Big hugs and lots of love!
The way I see it-
Not marrying Kevin is a chance to have a baby. I want a baby, he can't have anymore children.
Marrying Kevin would mean being with a man who loves me, understands me, and can handle my diabetes. But it also means jealous, prossessive issues and this is the one thing I can't handle.
Kevin hasn't moved back in. I'm not sure if I was guilted into asking or not. I just know, at that moment, I wanted him back.
I know which one I love the most.
I think I need to step back and take a lot of time to figure this out.
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