The Good, the Bad, & the Freakazoid Ugly

I thought I found a nice man. He has the most vividly intense blue eyes I have ever seen. He smiles at me, he seems nice, and he's not bad looking at all. Then, on Halloween night, I saw him drive away in a mini van. Can you think of any good reason why a single man would have a mini van? Me either. So damn, I have to cross him off my list. Sigh.

That was Mr. Eyes. It seems to me every time I mention a man on this blog, I manage to run him off. So let me mention The Worm.

Oh, ick.

He looks wormy. He's about 45, with longish unbrushed hair, unhealthily ashen skin, and his jeans are too short, revealing his knobby ankles. Being that he's rather short, I would think his clothes would be on the long side, but evidently he shops in the juniors department.

His appearance is revolting enough. But he has developed a fascination with me.

I first saw The Worm several months ago. It was during lunch break. I had a low sugar and I didn't feel well at all. I had also just had an argument with Kevin on the phone. Work wasn't going well. I was tired, stressed out, and sick. I was heading back in when the Worm stepped in front of me (which I thought was really rude) and he shouted at me to smile.

I hate it when random strangers comment on my facial expressions. Let me tell you, it's none of your business how I feel. If I am not smiling, either a.) I have something on my mind and I am unwilling to discuss it with you or b.) I don't like you. In either case, mind your own business and keep your comments to yourself.

I walked off without saying anything. It was too much to explain anyway and I don't share with random people. I barely tell my concerns to people I know because I don't want to bother anybody. The Worm said something about me being rude. That should have been the end of it.

But it wasn't, because he made it his mission in life to get me to talk to him. The Worm was suddenly everywhere in the plant that I went, save for the bathroom. I started lingering in the stalls just to get some peace. When you are hiding from a man in the ladies' room, the man's behavior is at stalker level.

One night, Mr. Dragon brought The Worm over to my line and oh the horror, put him to work right beside me. I begged Mr. Dragon to move him. I told him The Worm was a pervert. Mr. Dragon said there wasn't anywhere else for The Worm to go. Please! Move him! Finally he said in an hour he was going to start another job and he'd take The Worm with him. Oh, thank god!

But the team leader brought Andre over to help Mr. Dragon because Andre already knew the job. And Mr. Dragon didn't say anything. Fuck.

That was the longest shift I ever worked. The Worm whined constantly. He asked question after question, starting with my name. I choked out, 'Free.'  I almost said, 'It's Ms. Dragon to you' but if I had said that then he would have just asked someone on the line what my name was and of course they would have replied, 'Why, that's Free Dragon' and then the wormy little fucker would know two of my names and I believe the less he knows the better. If I had thought about it a little more, I would have made up a name, something radically different from my own.

The Worm whined and stared. He tried to pry into my life. He kept moving things around on the table which irritated me to no end because every time I reached for something it was in the wrong place. I got tired of him constantly fiddling with objects so I snapped his head off. The Worm was so offended he turned his back to me. Which I thought was just fabulous.

Unfortunately, it didn't last. He'd ignore me for a half hour or so, then he'd start with the questions again. Why wouldn't I talk to him? I'd snap his head off again and he'd turn around in a huff. Peace for about 45 minutes, then oh, what  did he do?

I thought the shift would never end.

I haven't had to work with The Worm since, but now he has a new tactic- he approaches me when I am talking to someone else and tries to start a conversation. I don't say anything. He then turns to the other person and tells them how mean I am. So far, every time he's done this, the other person looks at him like he's stupid. But being that he really is stupid, he doesn't notice. I usually walk away and as I leave, I hear The Worm quizzing the other person for information about me. I am really glad no one at work knows where I live.

In case you're wondering why I don't just hex him, I tend to forget about The Worm until he's standing in front of me. Then I think, Gross.

Part of the problem is men and women hunt for mates in completely different ways. A woman who is man hunting has a list. She checks potential candidates against the qualities she desires and if the man doesn't measure up, she crosses him off her list and moves on. A man who is woman hunting has a very simple strategy- wear her down until she gives in. It is for this reason I am trying to pretend that The Worm doesn't exist. I don't hear anybody talking and I sure as hell don't see anyone in front of me. Because if I get mad he has my attention and if he has my attention then another man doesn't.

Stupid, nasty, little worm.