How to Be a Closeted Witch

I say I became a witch around the age of 21. I was already a witch because I was born one, I just didn't know there was a name for it.

Being born a witch is hard because all my life I didn't exactly fit in and I didn't know why. My thoughts, opinions, and views were contrary to everyone else's and I didn't see why that would be so offensive to people. It was not until I began studying Wicca that I realized people are overly defensive about religion  because it is the not so strong bond holding life together. 

People are usually born into a religion. Like it or not, that first religion we are exposed to shapes us. I can still quote the bible and I still remember a lot of hymns. I stopped going to church when I was 17. But what most people find comforting about Christianity is no matter how long you've been gone, why you left, or what you've done, you can come home again. Most of us have been told over and over Jesus died for us and as long as we accept him in our hearts we will be saved.

So when a sassy twenty-something chick can clearly articulate why paganism works for her, and heck, even sound logical and reasonable about it, people get nervous. There might, just maybe, possibly, be the small chance that I am right.

And if I am right about one small thing, then some other things could be wrong.

How could you decide? How would you know which parts were okay and which were fantasy? What if you had to throw out your favorite thing? And if religion doesn't have things exactly right, what about the rest of the world? Are things really as they appear to be? What if EVERYTHING is wrong? Now what? How do you define yourself? Are you still the same person?

I like these sort of questions. I like having my perceptions flipped around. I like walking around a mental corner and finding something new. This is something witches do and it is just one reason why we are considered subversive and detrimental.

Most people don't want to be uncomfortable.

So most people, when you tell them you are witch, will make fun of you. They are trying to make you uncomfortable so you'll leave and they can feel smug and secure.

Here's another reason witches usually live outside or on the edges of society- we got to do our thing. If we don't fit in we just go off on our own, unlike the Christians, we don't try to convert. I've always thought the conversion thing was not out of concern for my spiritual well-being, but rather so the group wouldn't be reminded or faced with discomfort. Sort of an if-everybody-thinks-like-us-we-won't-have-to-worry-about-disagreements attitude.

I'm not completely out of the broom closet. I'm not sure I ever can be. I really admire the public Pagans. I just don't think I can be defined by one thing. Maybe it's cowardly of me, but I don't want to fight an uphill battle every day. I like keeping to myself and minding my own business. I wish more people would do it.

I like to say I have the closet door open. I'm not coming out, but you can come in here and talk to me if you like.

For a long time, I had the door shut and locked. Every single aspect was a secret. It was a lot of stress, but it also made me excel at visualization because all my rites were mostly mental. I couldn't speak aloud and sometimes I couldn't light candles either.

I started finding lots of little ways to slip magick in.

1. Charged jewelry. This was the easiest and my favorite. Each night I would pick out a piece to wear the next day. I kept a crystal on my dresser and I would place my jewelry on it to charge. I noticed charged items drew more attention. When I worked at a daycare, I noticed the children always grabbed a charged necklace. Children are far more perceptive than most people realize.

2. Potted plants. I used houseplants for all kinds of things. I could charge the seeds and have a spell that slowly grew in power. I could draw symbols on the flower pot (on the inside, hidden from prying eyes). I could bury offerings in the soil. I could harvest parts of the plant for spells. If I needed to burn something in a fire-safe pot, I could use a Terra cotta pot. If I couldn't get outside, I could at least communicate with Nature via my plants. I also learned a lot of practical information about gardening.

3. Music. I used music to drown out background sounds, to mask the sounds of what I was doing, and to help me meditate.

4. Scent. Everyone thought I was experimenting with perfume. If I couldn't get the herb I needed, I usually wore the essential oil. Charge oil, dab on wrists, all day long I was a walking spell.

5. Art. I drew magickal symbols and runes in countless notebooks. I tried to make them as decorative as possible. I'd open my notebook, touch my symbol, and visualize my intent. People thought I was brainstorming.

6. Long walks. Every day I'd go for a very long walk. I'd chant along the way. Sometimes I'd ask for omens. I talked to trees. Sometimes I'd walk to the creek so I could banish something.

7. Sleeping in circles. I'd cast a circle around my bed before I went to sleep. This allowed me to practice ritual magick without drawing attention to myself. Sometimes I would do dream magick. I stopped casting circles around my bed because eventually I stopped sleeping. I would close my eyes and the alarm would go off. The whole night passed in a minute. I wasn't resting at all. As I went through my day, bits of bizarre dreams would come to me.

8. Reading. I read every single book I could find about witches, even works of fiction. I discovered a good many novels about magick had basis in fact. I am especially fond of John Bellairs' books.

9. Intent is everything. There's a spell for everything and most anything can be used in a spell. I can make a spell out of brushing my hair and in fact, when I read the cards I make sure my hair is loose because I think having my hair in a braid would be a sign of constricted energy. If I couldn't burn a candle, I tried to wear the right color shirt. I learned numerology so I would know how many times to chant my desire. I learned which direction to face and when to cast. I paid attention to the world around me, always looking for signs. And I did it all in my head so I wouldn't have to utter a word.

Turn off the closet light, would you? I don't want people to know I'm in here.