Friday, December 12, 2014


Unexplained Infertility: My husband's sperm count is normal. They assign a number to mobility, normal is 84. His is 300. So not only does he produce sperm, they swim great.

My hormone levels are normal. I have started taking a fertility drug. I will take this for three months. I have finished one month/dose so far. I have talked to my doctor. He outlined some possibilities. He ran a series of tests. All came back normal. He mentioned sending me to a fertility specialist. In Montgomery. Patients go to the specialist every. single. day. Actually, the doctor in Montgomery is really out of Birmingham, he just opened a satellite office in Montgomery. Most problems could be dealt with in Montgomery, but if something is seriously wrong then I would have to go to Birmingham. It takes over an hour to drive to Montgomery and nearly four hours to drive to Birmingham. I have been a nervous wreck about seeing my gyno in Opelika which is a mere 20 minutes away. I decided if the fertility drugs aren't working then I am giving up on having a baby because each time we run a test my stomach is in knots. Sex has become work. I feel a deeper connection with my husband, but I calculate days endlessly and I feel so frustrated when it is the right day but we are both exhausted or diabetes has caused me to feel bad from a low sugar.

I had been thinking the miscarriage was my fault. There is no word for a mother who has lost a child and I know why there is no word; it is because nothing can describe the despair and loss and sadness. I would try to explain this to my husband, my words halting, stuttering, and punctuated by tears. He wouldn't say anything. This made me feel like I was dealing with my grief alone. Things came to a head when I started the first round of tests- and I went to the doctor alone. My husband couldn't get off work. Logically, I understood, but I also felt like if he really thought it was important he would have found a way to go with me. I raged at him. I have never been so angry, so hurt, so burdened with grief. And finally, the truth came out. He thought the miscarriage was HIS fault. He was certain that if he had taken better care of me, if he had made me rest more, if he could have dealt with our problems better, then we would now have our little daughter. I am amazed at his guilt. I did not think this at all. He did not mean to make me feel alone, he just could not talk about it. We are now united and making progress in expressing our feelings but I just can't go to the fertility specialist. I'm sorry if this makes me a bad parent or a rotten person, but the pain is too much. It is devastating to be reminded over and over that I lost my baby. Each time I have thought I was pregnant, I would be tell myself not to get too excited less it be another false alarm, and at the same time, I would worry that I was not doing enough to ensure a successful pregnancy. I would be terrified that I would lose another. With each negative pregnancy test, I would be relieved that I wouldn't be going through another miscarriage and saddened that I am still childless.

Debt: The bills are piling up. My husband has never been good at handling money. Some of the bills are from years ago. I paid off a few small bills which caused a flood of old debts to come in. Debt punctuates other problems making them worse. If we pay everything we owe each month there would be no money for groceries or the gas to go to work. If we make partial payments in an attempt to give everybody some money, this seems to make people angry because they want the full amount like yesterday. My mother-in-law is convinced that as soon as we start building our house I will become pregnant. She swears making three major life changes is the secret to conception and she urges me to get a job and go back to college for my master's degree.

Magick: I am still trudging through Dark Work. I have been trying to remove a very bad person from our lives. I have been on this project for well over six months. Occasionally, I will have small success. The person will move away. The first time they moved, they moved several states away. I thought I was done. It never occurred to me that they would come back. This person has moved away and returned 4 or 5 times. I've really lost count. Sometimes I think I've been doing this work for years. During the last move, this person was in walking distance to our house. That unnerved me because they have broken into my husband's home in the past. Many things have been stolen over the years. And of course, when the person sees us all their negative feelings boil to the surface so they begin to spread lies and cause trouble. I don't want this person anywhere near our house. The more reminders they have of us, the more trouble they will cause. I doubled up on my efforts. Yesterday I learned the trouble maker has moved out of our neighborhood. This is great, but I know I must keep pushing, probably even work harder to make sure they stay away. I really wish I didn't have to do this. Dark Work causes you to notice all the shadows. I'd rather not think about this person at all because every second I worry what they are going to do is a second that I am not happy. It is unfair that someone so wretched steals my happiness but if I don't do the Dark Work then that person becomes entrenched in our lives like a virus causing us all misery.

Before you think I am exaggerating things, this person called DHR on my husband. They actually told a series of lies, each on worse than the last and the one that stuck was allegations of sexual abuse. I don't think the authorities believed it, but they had to investigate. The boys went through months of counseling. There were several home inspections. Being that my in-laws are hoarders, lots of junk had to go from my in-laws house. Face with the choice of losing the boys or invoking my mother-in-law's ire, we chose the boys and hauled off three truck loads of junk. She was not understanding at all. When we moved into this house, we had another home inspection and since I was moving in, I had to be approved by DHR. They wanted my Social Security number and they ran a back ground check on me which I thought was an invasion of my privacy. Eventually, we all checked out okay, the boys got through counseling, and finally, the case was closed. Nothing was ever done to the person who turned us in. In exchange for not facing drug trafficking charges, they turned in several drug dealers. DHR couldn't investigate the person because it would compromise the drug bust. DHR has mentioned investigating now that the bust is over, but that would mean reopening the case. Which means more home inspections, more people prying into our lives, and when it's all said and done they still can't prove anything one way or the other. They can't prove this person told a lie. All the person has to say is they thought something was wrong and notified DHR for the good of the children and they're off the hook. 

DHR wouldn't just investigate that person who started the whole mess. They would revisit every aspect of the case. It was sort of like a witch hunt. The boys had to name every one they had sexual contact with. They mentioned the neighbor's child. Immediately, DHR came to my husband demanding the names of the neighbors. My husband refused because he had just gotten back on good terms with the neighbors and he thought something so serve would cause enough animosity that he would be forced to move. Do you want to know what the 'sexual contact' was? My stepson saw the neighbor's kid pee in the yard, thus 'exposing' himself. This is why I don't believe in 'harm none'. If I don't harm this person, they will surely continue to harm us.

Heat: We are going to get a wood burning stove this weekend. Our power bill has gotten outrageously high. It is not even the coldest part of winter yet. I am looking for ways to cut the power bill and my first solution is a clothes line. I realize the heat pump draws more power than the dryer, but I can't cut the heat pump off. We were trying to heat the bedrooms with propane heaters but the tank only lasts about two days, three if we are really careful and use the gas very sparingly. We cannot use the fireplaces because the chimneys are either falling in or have long since been closed off from the roof. We had to block the fireplaces because what little heat we had from our small heaters got sucked into the attic. The heat pump only warms two rooms in the house. And it doesn't do that very well.

Diabetes: In an attempt to get pregnant, I have to carefully maintain my sugar. I have failed at this miserably. I am no longer exercising. Honestly, most days I don't even think about it. Diet isn't much better. With money being tight I am eating whatever is cheapest rather than whatever is healthiest. There is something wrong with this country when the worst food available is the most affordable.

Family: After the heightened drama of Thanksgiving, all in-laws went home and have been very quiet. This is a relief. Thanksgiving was so stressful I told my husband we will not repeat the experience. We were supposed to have a simple meal. My mother-in-law took over, planned extra things behind my back, and invited 16 people. We had three tables of food. I was exhausted running back and forth between two houses carrying hot dishes and half-prepped food. Most people behaved very badly. Christmas is actually going to be simple. I don't care if anyone gets offended. Christmas is going to be me, my husband, and the boys. That's it. You can visit with us later after we've celebrated. If you'd act right I'd be more inclined to celebrate with you.

Sewing: I'm just going to have to shut myself up with the sewing machine and ignore the world. I make plans every day, but get nowhere due to doctor's appointments, errands, and red tape phone calls.

Housekeeping: Ha! Like that's getting done.

1 comment:

Jeanne said...

Life can sometimes be overwhelming. But we mustn't let tragic or disastrous moments define who we are. We should follow our instincts (our gut feelings) and continue on. It is in the quiet moments - the moments when we least expect it - when we are rewarded for our efforts. ♥