I went shopping today.
I hate shopping. Hate it with a purple passion.
Worse, (of course, it's worse. Otherwise this would be a short post and not worth writing) I went with my mother. We do not get along. We have never gotten along. I try, and fail, to just accept my mother as she is. This does not work. Nor, sadly, does she accept me as I am. Sometimes I try, and fail, to see things from her point of view and this never works because either her view is so contrary to mine I can't stand it, or she notices I'm being weird/strange/different and immediately becomes suspicious. I cannot win. Being that I am her child, no matter how old I become, my view is always invalid. By default my view is less because I was born of her, not before her.
I try to resign myself to the fact that I will never win and that doesn't work either. I get suckered no matter what. We were supposed to go shopping in one town but when I got to her house she wanted to go 'just down the road for a minute.' Really, why did I not see the red flags waving? Of course, there's another store 'just down from here' and on and on until we are in Phenix City.
I can't say anything good about Phenix City. Nothing. Nada. And OMG the people are so fucking ugly. I don't just mean physically unattractive, I mean rude as well. But of course they are unattractive, too. Picture some drunk, cross-eyed, fat, inbred rednecks. Yeah. Those people.
The town is right unattractive, just like the residents. I saw some 'luxury' apartments with trash piled by the side; scrap lumber, fill dirt, left over construction bits, and, well, garbage. Who builds high-end apartments and leaves all the junk laying around? Some in-bred redneck from Phenix City.
I can call them in-bred because they are. My mother's family has a habit of marrying cousins. I shit you not. My mother doesn't get along with her family, not even her siblings. I was raised away from them. I used to think this was a bad thing until I actually met my family, and then I realized I had been blessed. Very blessed. Sometimes I can't believe we share DNA and maybe we don't. One day I'll have to write the Ice Man story.
But moving on, we went shopping in Phenix City. It has the worst traffic patterns I have ever seen. I would rather drive through Atlanta than down the 280 Bypass. I don't know why they call it a 'bypass' because you don't by pass a damn thing, the road is lined with urban sprawl and it is ugly too. People are going in every direction. They get frustrated trying to cross from one side to the other so there's a lot of cutting in, not heeding stop signs, and blocking lanes as people make illegal turns.
I don't remember whose idea it was to go shopping. The plan was for Mom to buy me stuff for my house and that would be Christmas. I could go to any store (snort), pick out what I wanted, then she'd pay. We went to Dollar General, K-Mart, and Big Lots. I wanted to go to Target, World Market, and Hobby Lobby. Phenix City doesn't have anything that nice.
While in Big Lots, I saw an ex-boyfriend. Of course I ran into someone I know. I'm related to half the town and I'm only postive I wasn't dating my cousin because my ex is from Illinois. He told me he caused a lot of trouble when he was a teen so his parents sent him here where upon he immediately got his first wife pregnant. I am still not understanding why he is still here or how I manage to keep bumping into him every five years or so.
I searched Facebook, but I couldn't find him. He's hot. I should have married him a long time ago. I will be 36 in January. We met when I was 19. He has been in love with me ever since.
Speaking of love, I dreamed of Mr. Dragon. I swear that man has astral projection down to an exact science. I almost called him, but I have a man. Kurt's son visited today. He did not want to leave. Kurt's daughter is indifferent to her father and I have not yet met her.
While doing Silver's Release Challenge this year, the greatest revelations has been mental in form. As in, how the fuck could I not have seen this? This has been the hardest challenge for me and I've been doing it every year for four years. This year the physical stuff has been less, but the mental stuff- the ideas, thoughts, acceptance of my own personal reality...well, I'm shaken to my core. Each time I think I've cleared some great hurdle, a strange volley of surreal parades before my eyes and I am shocked, numbed, sickened, grasping for straws as I realize it's been here the whole time and I just didn't see it for what it really was. That's why shopping was so hard today. I just cannot believe I keep doing this to myself. What is wrong with me?
The biggest change of the challenge has been in my sewing. Before I had lots of ideas, but I was put off by many projects because I thought my skill wasn't good enough. Now I look at things with a more critical eye. Now I think, I want to make that. I will make that- in my style. How can I adjust it so it suits me?
I've also realized I am far too lenient when it comes to fabric. No matter how ugly the material, theoretically I can use it. I HAVE BEEN KEEPING FABRIC I HATE. No more. I'm going to scale down my fabric stash. I'm going to make some of the thousand things on my idea list. My sewing should be for me. Only me. Does it really matter what anyone else thinks?!