1996

The year I was 19 was the most stressful time of my life. I'm sure most of you are surprised by this statement because if you've been reading me for very long, then you know I became diabetic at age 33. Diabetes changed me. It made me stronger. 19 almost killed me.

There was nothing horrid, nothing overly dramatic. There was just a whole, whole, WHOLE LOT going on. The first problem was my job which was great and I loved it. In fact, I would probably still be there if not for one thing- the company moved to Mexico. To keep from losing money, production tripled. This meant I went to work at 7am and had no earthly clue when I would leave. I worked at least 10 hours a day and some days I worked 14 hours. I also worked around 6 hours on Saturday. I made $6 an hour and brought home nearly $300 a week.

Around the time I started that job, my father became ill. He was bedridden for months. I lived at home then. He was still in the cattle business. Each day when I finally got off work, I took care of his cows. But wait, there's more.

I had a piece of shit car that left me stranded. The car just wouldn't start. Usually it would not start at college. I did mention I was taking 20 hours of classes at night that year, didn't I? Anyway, I'd get out of class around 10pm CST (11pm EST, the time my parents went by), the car wouldn't start, the parking lot would be empty, the campus pay phone wouldn't let me make a long distance call, and everybody I knew would be in bed at 11pm so nobody would answer the phone. I'd spend hours calling and calling and calling before someone finally picked up and that point I'd burst into tears from frustration. Some sleepy friend would come get me, take me home and my sleeping parents would have no clue I called 300 times from the pay phone at Winn Dixie. They'd drive to the campus the next day and the car would start just fine, then they'd be looking at me like I was stupid. They'd berate me on the way to work. After three or four times of that, my mother became my chauffeur. She didn't want to drive her car into the cow pasture. After working all day, I had to get out and walk until I found the cows, made sure they were accounted for, then I had to walk around checking fences, then I walked back to the barn to make sure the cows had water. All this in May/June while my mother sat in her car and read a book. The cows were on a 70 acre farm 10 miles from our home which was on 50 acres and thank god we didn't have more cows at home.

After the cows were taken care of, my mother would take me home and I'd shower. I'd eat a sandwich while driving mom's borrowed better-bring-it-back-with-a-full-tank car. I'd barely be on time for Professor Hell's classes. I was taking English Comp II and Great World Masterpieces I at the same time. I wasn't supposed to take Great Books until AFTER I passed EngCompII, but someone overlooked that scheduling problem so I had the same Professor from Hell, Right Hand of the Devil Himself for both classes and he got the bright idea to combine my assignments. Instead of two three page papers, I wrote one eight page paper. Actually, I rewrote it 54 times and none of them were good enough so I said fuck it and got a C minus in EngComp and a B in Great Books. Which shouldn't have been possible. I had more classes, history and something else, but I don't remember then now. I'm surprised I remember any details from that time.

There's more. I was dating M. He complained about never being able to see me. We fought all the time. I made way more money than he did and he took offense. He started cheating on me and I didn't even know for weeks. I got tired of him, we broke up/got back together 13 times and then I started drinking. I'd get roaring drunk every Saturday night, be hung over on Sunday, then start the cycle all over on Monday, still a little hung-over and not completing my homework assignments or retaining any information for upcoming tests.

And there's still more. I couldn't move my neck. I got so stressed out my neck muscles locked up and I could not turn my head. If someone stood beside me, I had to turn my body to look at them. I tried every over the counter pain medication and the only thing that took the edge off somewhat was Standback powders. My mother found the Standback box in her car, had a fit because those powders were 'dangerous' (she never explained how exactly) and she basically reacted like it was street drugs. Like any addict, I hid my addiction. I bought Standback at the gas station, poured it in Coke, and she was none the wiser. My neck still hurt.

M and I had a huge fight about money. He rented games from Blockbuster and never returned them. I of course didn't know. I wouldn't have known if Bugs Bunny lived next door. I got several letters from Blockbuster. I told M to take everything back. He'd swear he did, then I'd get another letter. I finally went to the store to sort it out. While I was at the store, M's friend John dropped the games in the return slot. I saw him. He saw me. He said nothing, just dropped the games in the box and I didn't know he was there for M until the lady helping me saw on her computer that another employee scanned the games back into the system.

At the end of Spring semester, I took my first summer off. When the company closed mid-June, I delayed looking for another job. My family told me I was lazy. Nobody seemed to know what I went through. I would try to explain how I felt- classes, work, boyfriend trouble, family drama, aches...and everybody was like so what? It's not like you've got any special stress on you. Everybody's got problems, stop whining.

Eventually, I could move my neck. I got a job with steady hours. I finally graduated, but it took me a while because I paid for most of my education myself and I would quit when I ran out of money. I earned my Associates in 2000 and my BA in 2003. When I got my Liberal Arts degree, the first thing my mother said was, 'I wish you'd get your Masters.' I thought it was the most awful thing she could have said because her father, the man she named me after, was illiterate. He went to school one day. I am one the few people in my family to even attend college, let alone graduate and that wasn't good enough.

The point of all these bad memories is last night I was laying in bed worrying. Suddenly an old, but not forgotten, pain struck- my neck locked up. I got a firmer pillow. That helped. I lay in the dark and tried to just be. I tried to not think, just breathe. My neck still hurts, but I can move it. Kurt and I are fighting a lot about money. Things are not as bad for me this time around. I am trying to remember I am way beyond 19.