If I owned the house, there wouldn't be blade one in the yard (Profanity Warning)

I have encountered my first problem as a single woman- grass.

Lots and lots of grass, growing in leaps and bounds every day. Thick grass, weedy grass, dying grass, grass the envy of golf courses mingled with grass suited for cow feed, all of it in my yard, and (groan!) needing to be cut. Badly.

Kevin is gone and he took his fucking lawn mower. He could have cut the grass one more time...

I won't blame him. Even if he had cut it, the stuff grows like kudzu. It wouldn't have been long before I would be wondering exactly what to do.

I HATE CUTTING GRASS.

Walt Whitman wrote, " A child said, What is grass? fetching it to me with full hands; How could I answer the child?...I do not know what it is any more than he.

I know the answer: Grass is a waste, particularly when it is designed to be a lawn in America. The British bought their lawns when them to the New World even though our climate doesn't get nearly enough rain fall to properly keep it green. Thus, we spend an awful amount of time, energy, and money nurturing something that doesn't need to be growing in the first place. We weed it, water it, fertilize it, and then we sweat ourselves to death keeping it cut. Even dumber, we forget the British mix in clover with the grass. We want a half acre of the exact same plant spreading out from our homes in a perfect shade of Kelly green.

WHY? Fuck, someone explain it to me because I don't get it. A bare lawn, and I mean just grass, is ugly and lonely. It needs a hedge, some shrubs, and lawn furniture before we're willing to cross it. Except sometimes we're still scared to set foot on it, thus we have tacky little signs announcing 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS'. Why? Why do we insist on making a lovely green carpet we can't walk on? Why do we spend hundreds of dollars making it grow just to turn around and buy 100's of gallons of gas to cut it? How is this earth friendly?

Several months ago, I told Kevin I wanted to rip up some of the lawn. I wanted to plant crepe myrtles. He rejected the idea immediately, citing the mess they made. It's be something else to cut around. (And why, for Goddess' sake, do we insist on designing our yards for the comfort of unfeeling, gas-guzzling machinery instead of for ourselves?) I said, no, no, the point would be less grass to cut. I want a six foot wide strip across the whole front yard, planted with at least two different kinds of bushes to create a living fence. It would provide privacy from the road, add interest to the house, and possibly be a wind break. It would be heavily mulched and I would keep it trimmed. He was quiet for a moment, then said, What about the ditch?

What about it?

If this living fence goes all the way across the yard, I couldn't cut the ditch with the lawn mower anymore, I'd have to use the weed eater.

So?

So that's more work! Fuck that!

So currently I still have an ugly yard, ugly ditch, and no privacy from passing cars. I could have adjusted my plan, left an access opening at the end, something. But after Kevin rejects an idea, it is soundly in File 13 with no hope of being resurrected.

I don't own a lawn mower.

I checked prices today and discovered even the most basic models are expensive. Then I discovered a new problem- how can I be sure I can start the mower before I buy it?

That has been the problem with every damn lawn mower I have ever owned. I struggle with a pull cord (Can I just say whoever invented this was a dumbass? What's wrong with a key, a switch, a simple starter button?!) I'll pull hard enough to yank the lawn mower off the ground and it still won't crank. I'll get mad, cussing, screaming, kicking, ranting, pull, pull, pull, PULL and nothing happens. Throroughly soaked with sweat and disgusted, I'll find a man, my father, my boyfriend, neighbor, and with barely a tug they easily start the mower and I feel really stupid. Then I still have to cut the goddamned grass. Only now there's a male chauvinist pig criticizing my every move.

My solution has always been to let someone else cut it. When I lived at the trailer, a biker looking dude appeared on my porch and offered to cut the grass for $30. Had he approached me anywhere else, I wouldn't have spoken to him. But I'll let any ol' grass cutting fool in the yard for $30 no matter how rough he looks. He actually turned out to be nice, he did a great job, and for a while we had a nice arrangement. I'd leave the money under the door mat and the grass would be cut when I came home. If I happened upon him cutting the grass, I'd bring him a glass of sweet tea. He knew better than to cut my flowers and I didn't have to think about grass at all.

I haven't been able to find a nice but rough looking grass cutter up here in Tallapoosa County. I ain't found a yard man nowhere. No one is willing to get out in the heat and cut their own yards, let alone mine. And there's that whole problem of me not owning a mower. Someone will have to haul one down here. Which takes even more gas. Which means they will want even more money.

Fuck the grass.