Post Holiday

 I have no pictures today because my phone decided to update itself and it is stuck in start up mode. It's been restarting since 5 o'clock this morning. This is the second time it froze starting up. The first time, I got annoyed after 3 hours, so I pressed buttons like I was going to power off. It worked. Start up resumed normally and I was able to use my phone. It's not working this time. I've lost count of the number of times I tried. I thought about going to the store, but I think instead of fixing it, they will insist on selling me another phone. I don't like the one I have. 

So, written account of Beltaine-

The day after my husband connected the TV to the big antenna, my mother called 911. This is the second time she's called 911. The first time, my husband went to the Sheriff's department and explained what's going on with my spoiled brat mother. This time when she called and hung up, they called her back. When she hung up on them (proving she does know how to answer her cell phone), they called me. 

On the way to Homestead, I saw Mom driving towards my house. I turned around. She insisted that she didn't even take her cell phone with her, it was ringing when she came in and checked it. I refused to believe her lies, so she got mad, stopped talking, and drove away. 

She'll come back this weekend, act like nothing happened. After a month, she'll create a new problem. 

Dealing with my mother depressed me. I had just sat down to read when the dispatcher called me. My daughter was eating lunch when I said we had to leave. She whined because she was hungry. Traffic was heavy, then I see the truck, and I get annoyed that I have to turn around. I felt like driving on, staying away from the house. Of course, trying to explain that she can't keep calling 911 turned into a shouting match. And then she shut down and left, which was a relief, but she's never done that before. IDK what that means. Maybe it means she'll be spiteful and sell the house. Part of why my father left me money is because he didn't think my mother would share land or the house with me. '

I sat down for a long time, feeling drained. Finally, I filled the bird feeders with seed. I made a bee watering station. Then I tried to read for a while, hoping if I got lost in a book, life wouldn't seem bad. 

On Beltaine, I filled hummingbird feeders and blessed the garden. I tried to have a good day, but I felt on edge because I feel like something awful is about to hit me. 

My sugar has been too high from stress. I took a little extra insulin, which resulted in me being low at 1 a.m. Now I feel drained. Everything seems pointless. I had thought to redo my Etsy shop banner, and list more products, but why? Who's going to see it? Exercise seems pointless, because even with all the activity I've done, my sugar was still too high. 

I sort of wish my mother could see what her actions do to me, but I know she wouldn't care. She'd say there was no reason for what she does to affect me, then she'd try to justify why a grown woman can act like a child. If she felt any remorse, she'd squash that down. Nothing would change. She'd probably act worse, because she delights in making me miserable.  

I'm sort of plodding along, going through the motion of life. I feel like if I enjoy anything, my mother will find a way to take it from me. Since my phone isn't working, I can't add anything to my Etsy shop, nor can I put my finished star sculpture on DeviantArt. I can draw, or read, or garden, but I can't share. I feel like I'm being forced into isolation. While my mother isn't the reason why my phone isn't working, I feel like the two are tied together; I'm just trying to live my life, but apparently, that isn't allowed. 

Blessed be, my dears. Stay safe and well. I'm not sure what I'm going to go next.