Xmas Eve

 Turns out my mother undid everything I did to keep the pipes from freezing, so the main line burst. I went over this morning and tried to fix things, but my mother is bound and determined to work against me. She got mad because I moved the stumps that she chopped kindling on. I told her I was cleaning up in the wood shed because I wanted to put my daughter's play stove out there. Mom doesn't remember that. She called my husband a thief for stealing her kindling. He chopped a bunch of it for her so she wouldn't have to, and he brought her a truckload of firewood. 

I got really annoyed, so I left. 

We came back later, that's when we discovered the burst pipe. We had to go to town to buy replacements. Wasn't much left because the whole town froze. 

And it's Christmas Eve, so we haven't done anything we planned to do for the holiday. 

I am really tired. I don't want to do anything. 

This reminds me of childhood Christmases- I would be so excited for Christmas, so happy when school closed...and then I just sat in the living room staring at the tree, wishing my parents didn't argue so much. I didn't really want to go back to school, but it got me away from my mother for the day. Mom always complained that we didn't do anything to celebrate, but she didn't want to go anywhere, and she got really annoyed when people came to our house. 

I don't like Christmas. People can't behave. 

I forget where I was going with this. I have been trying to be more aware of triggers, but thus far I haven't been able to stop myself from reacting with anger. I sort of feel like I am in survival mode. Everything has been really stressful. I have been mindlessly eating. My sugar is screwed up. I have an ongoing headache. I haven't done anything that would improve my life. The other day I tried to release trauma. I got a strange pain around my stomach, so I don't know if I released anything or not. 

I think I may wait until after New Year's to blog. I want to make some changes, and I would like to avoid distractions. I don't like to write when everything is falling apart. If I get through this hell, things should go back to semi-normal in January. 

Blessed be, my dears. Stay warm.