Working Against the Tide

Sometimes I just can't fight myself. I seem to lack focus. To give one example- I'll decide to check my email and then search for something online, say I've been thinking about how much to spend on a gazing ball for my porch. I will tell myself head over to Etsy after I read my email.

But I never get there.

What happens is something requiring a reply is in my inbox. Of course, I respond, that's the whole reason I was checking my mail. But then I stop thinking about gazing balls. Instead I go to my blog. I catch up on everyone's latest posts. Next I check my yahoo account, then my bank balance. Then twitter. Then I refill my coffee cup. I go to Etsy and check my shop, renew some listings, see what my circle is up to, add a favorite, tweet it, go get more coffee...

About an hour after I finally extract myself from the computer, I'll realize I forgot about the gazing ball. I may or may not get back on the Internet, it all depends on what I am doing. I am much more inclined to get back online if I'm doing something I don't care for, like washing dishes. Automatically, I check my email. You know what happens next.

I cannot tell you how many times I decide to do something...and forget. I don't think it's a product of aging because the things I usually forget deal with changes I want to make in my life. It's not just a gazing ball, it's part of wanting to make my yard look nice. That means having a welcoming entrance and a well kept yard. But we all know how I feel about grass cutting. Maybe subconsciously I don't want to have a nice front porch because the next step would be dealing with the grass I hate. Or maybe I'm worried about who would appear on my porch- family, old boyfriends, curious neighbors, all wanting to come in and see how I really live. Um, sure, come in, just don't look too closely at my bookshelves, okay? Um, no reason. Hey, let's go sit the porch.

Worse is when I forget WHY I want to do something. I'll write a list, can't remember why item X is on there, rack my brain trying to figure it out, say screw it, go home without item X and right before I turn in the driveway, it hits me. I promise myself I'll get it next time. But I rarely do.

I think this is why planning the future is so hard for me. I know if it needs to be done, I need to do it right now. If I break it into stages, I'm going to hit a snag. I'll forget, I'll run out of time, I won't have enough money, something will fall apart, there'll be much more involved than I thought...it's a wonder I ever accomplish anything.

I've been working on this guy for over a year-

It was a simple thing- get a gargoyle for the porch. Awaken him and give him the task of guarding the house. I couldn't find a gargoyle anywhere. That was ridiculous, I see gargoyles all the time with the garden stuff, in magazines, in landscape books, for sale in occult shops, everywhere until I decide to buy one.  Like the gazing ball, I kept forgetting to look. Thursday, I had to break my routine. I ended up going to town for nothing. I decided I shouldn't let it be a wasted trip. Since I was already in town, I went to the flea market. And there was my gargoyle. Because breaking my routine worked so well, I did it again today. Again, I managed to find things I had been searching for. Even more amazing, I had enough money. I'm not sure if the secret is to move out of my comfort zone, or to create/accept opportunity. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'll probably forget anyway.

And yes, I finally found a gazing ball that's perfect for me. I chose stainless steel.

I haven't bought it yet, but at least I found one.