It's Not All About You

First I'll handle Witch business- I didn't post a card yesterday because I didn't want to put a fun thing with a serious post. So I'll draw 2 today.

1. Raven
2. Elephant

I love ravens/crows because they are very magickal. They hold great wisdom, but they're also great tricksters. Raven power is never what you think it is. Ravens are also one of the few things in nature that are black. Really and truly black, not a shade of something else which appears black from a distance. They are BLACK. The color black represents all potential. It is the color of everything and nothing.

Elephants teach us about family and the love of home. Elephants do not run away. An elephant can easily be trained to stay in the yard. If an elephant is captured and chained to a particular spot, at first it tries to leave, but as the elephant realizes it is captured it slowly begins to accept its new surroundings. It learns how far the chain will reach and then it ventures no farther. At this point the chain is removed, but the elephant stays put. It doesn't realize it is free. Each day the elephant must be lead away from its new home. Each night the elephant is returned and it simply stands in place believing the chain holds it captive. I believe I drew the elephant because I've allowed myself to be chained. Raven is here to show me what to do.

I'm very forgetful now. I don't know if this is part of my diabetes or if it's because I have more to keep up with now. This morning I forgot Kevin's lunch.

I just forgot. I'm tired, my weekend is half over and I haven't been able to do anything I wanted to do. All my weekends are like that. I spend a great deal of time doing what I need to do- laundry, groceries, projects, but I never get to the garden. I have flowers to deadhead and veggies to fertilize. All my trees need pruning. Then there's books I want to read but I can't finish a novel unless I call in sick and spend the whole day in bed. I don't remember the last time I went to an art show or a concert. In the fall several fairs come to my area and I would love to go to at least one but I know this will not happen because do you know what else comes in the fall? Hunting. Kevin will spend every waking moment in the woods and I don't want to go by myself.

I know what you are going to say, I should just tell him how I feel and we should plan a romantic day together. I tried that in the spring. I wanted to look at garden things. I mainly wanted to check on prices and maybe buy a few things if they were on sale. I was happy because the weather was warming up. I had grand plans of growing all my food and being green and healthy and saving money too. I wanted Kevin to be involved because I wanted to plant things that he would like to eat.

When I say garden, I mean something small. When Kevin thinks of a garden he thinks of long rows covering an acre or two. I think of watering a few pots and boxes. He thinks of the blazing hot sun, a dull hoe, lots of weeds, and rows of corn that seem to get longer as the day slowly creeps by.

I was thinking we'd go to a couple of shops, make decisions together, then have a nice lunch in town. I don't know what Kevin was thinking, but it probably involved back-breaking work that he wanted to avoid.

It took longer to drive to town than we spent in the store. He sped there then asked every few minutes if I found what I was looking for and if I was ready to go. It took 20 minutes to arrive and about 15 minutes to shop. I was trying to make notes, decide if it was cheaper to buy plants or seeds, figure out if I needed extra pots or tools, and the whole time he was like, 'Here. This is what you wanted. Just buy that. Not buying? Can we go?' I finally gave up. We rushed back home and then he left. There was no romantic connection.

Kevin doesn't listen to me very well.

This morning he got mad because I didn't pack a lunch for him. He is quite capable of making his own lunch, but he thinks it's my job because I do all the cooking. I don't think this is fair. I don't like to cook. I need to be a mood to cook. I hate doing it on a daily basis.

Before he left he asked if I was mad. Confused and half asleep I asked why. He didn't answer me and I didn't figure it out until I got up later and saw the cooler still in the kitchen. I felt really annoyed. I don't see why I have to do everything. We have sandwich stuff and there was no reason why he couldn't make his own lunch.

Kevin expects every day to be the same. If something is missing he is thrown off balance and his whole day is ruined. He doesn't know how to work around things and never stops to consider why something is different. He just gets mad. He also doesn't think ahead. Last night would have been a good time to figure out lunch. He could have checked the fridge and if nothing was there he could have a.) made a sandwich b.) asked me what I was planning to do or c.) got his atm card out so he could buy food today. Heck, that's what I do almost every single day.

Kevin is intelligent. But somehow the matters of running a household seem to be beyond him. It's easier for me to do it all myself. Which is how I ended up with a chain of my own making.