Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Ducks Not In a Row

We bought a parts car Monday. We only needed the passenger doors, but the junkyard said we could have the entire car for $350 and that's how much one door costs. We feel that we got a bargain. The seats are in far better shape than ours. It also has the cruise control switch we need, the fuel pump, and a few other things that are missing on our car. This little rubber duck was hanging on the review mirror of the parts car.

As soon as I saw the duck, I wanted it. I'm not sure why. I put it on the counter. Last night I got up to check my sugar. I could see the shadowy outline of the duck but I couldn't figure out what it was. Tentatively I felt a wing and relief flooded me. Until I touched it, I thought someone had left something to rot in the kitchen.

This morning I yelled at my adult sons so loud the neighbors heard me. I was angry during the entire drive.

When I got home, I looked up the meaning of duck totems. You may not feel comfortable with the people in your life. Well now, I surely do feel a high amount of stress. Duck reminds us to delve into emotions. Hmmm. I said ugly things, but I do feel better for getting it off my chest.

The car has been a bone of contention. Oldest son stayed gone in it all weekend, broke his promise to babysit, lied repeatedly about where he was, and only came home when I threatened to report the car stolen. The back bumper was hanging off, there's a new scrape on the door, gas tank was nearly empty, and I had to clean the car out before I could drive it. So I took the car away.

Afterwards, my husband said it was good that I took the car away because he felt that neither of the older boys would fix their trucks as long as they had our car as a crutch. I see the situation as resolved- be an inconsiderate ass, lose transportation. Be a responsible, respectful adult- get car back. But if it were that simple I wouldn't have been yelling this morning.

Maybe the duck was in the parts car because we still have a lot to work out.

I thought I was handling things better. Maybe I am. Maybe we haven't gotten to the root of the problem. Maybe there a new shit storm brewing.

I still don't have a daily practice. Things from my past resurface, like a duck appearing when I need a totem. I am leaning towards journal rituals because I really like them, they fit nicely in my current life, and I think writing really helps me to visualize. I have also made lists on my phone of spells I want to try, but I haven't had time to do much of the work.

I did set up a page on this blog for my art. You'll find it at the bottom. I can't move the page to a more noticeable place. I think it's a mobile device issue. I believe I can change the layout easier on a desk top computer. That's a couple of hours at the public library so if you don't feel like scrolling all the way to the bottom of my blog to see my art then it will probably be Friday before I can make changes.

As for everything else, when I get somewhere I'll let you know.

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