Yesterday, my cousin called to say her father died. I couldn't comprehend it. My uncle has just always been there. Even when things were difficult for him, he was still there. He was there for everybody; as I was telling Will the bad news he suddenly realized he did know my uncle. Then the shocked weighed down on him too. Other parts of the story began to make more sense to Will, and finally, he wondered how he could have known someone for so many years without realizing that was my family. You've got to understand, Will and I were high school sweethearts. He met Yogi after graduation and never once realized he was having a good time with his ex's uncle.
My cousin's sister is a drug addict. I've been suspecting this for a while. As my cousin began to talk about it all, it seemed she couldn't stop and she began to tell of other things. Somewhere between the fighting, the theft, and the screaming, I asked if Suze was on pain pills. She seemed to be relieved to actually say aloud what the real problem was and confirmed my suspicions. Now the sadness weighed heavily on the shock.
In January, our aunt died. That was a shocker too, not because we were close but because that was the aunt I am named after AND the aunt who had diabetes. People draw similarities between us all the time and firmly believe that I being diabetic myself will surely die the same way- sickly, weak, body slowly shutting down from sugar so high it has become toxic to the body. Even if I'm not on the path to slow misery people put me there automatically. We had the same name and same disease. Where else could I be heading?
But besides the shock of death, I had other horrible things to deal with in January. That is when I had a miscarriage. My first child and I lost her barely a month after I found out I was pregnant.
Besides the miscarriage, I was also trying to find a job. I was not getting the job I had been promised, the job I had been trying to get for three years. I was frustrated.
I was in shock, grieving the loss of my child, annoyed with people in general, and of course, diabetes loves to throw its two cents in during times like this, so I blacked out for several hours and missed an interview. I'm still not sure how I woke from that. I'm not sure how I'm still alive. All I know is I dragged around my house like a zombie until finally it began to percolate in my brain that something was wrong and perhaps I should eat. Then I had to come back to my functioning self, then I had to call and beg for another interview. While I was doing all this, I had to reassure Will that I was indeed ok, sorta, and that he didn't need to drive like a manic madman from LaGrange to check on me.
After I got my shit together, the phone rang. It was my cousin calling me once again to tell me the latest drama. Now that I look back, I realize Suze was high then. I just had too much to deal with at the time to notice.
Suze hasn't called me this time. She has called my mother and gotten her stirred up. Really, nothing bad has happened to me other than I got the one bad call about my uncle's death. But I can't shake the feeling that this is just the beginning and most assuredly, the drama will come hard and heavy.
I have been a ball of nerves since yesterday. Naturally, my sugar has decided now is the perfect time to drop. I awoke drenched in sweat this morning with a sugar of 37. Just to give you an idea of what that number means, most people slip into a diabetic coma if their sugar falls below 35.
I think I have figured out why I feel so on edge. The last time there was a death in my family, I was also dealing with the loss of my baby. That's the main thing, everything else, the family drama, the sugar issues, the not getting the dream job, was just icing on the sad cake.
And now, death come around again. I'm not pregnant this time, but I have the fear that I will lose something very important to me. Nothing is happening to me yet I'm in full battle armor waiting for the night raid.