Remember a while back I said it doesn't take long to lose abs? I didn't exercise much this week. I measured my waist this morning and I am right back to the size I was when I started. The exercise DID have other benefits- my blood work was almost normal- half a point too high. But I wasn't doing this for diabetic benefits; I wanted a certain look and I am not achieving it. That's depressing.
A lot of things are depressing. I realize I am slipping into a funk because earlier today I wondered how I was going to get through the weekend. I am ready to go back to work just so I can return to my normal routine. I am trying to have something worthwhile to do every day but that's not a routine. I've gotten a lot accomplished like taking the dogs to the vet, buying new clothes, cleaning the house, and just generally tying up odds and ends. I've been very productive, but I haven't set a schedule. Which is probably why I didn't exercise much, preferring to lay in bed reading, and using the excuse- but I'm on vacation! What that really equals is wasted time.
I've been thinking a lot as well, and let me tell you, thinking is damn depressing business. I've thought about what my life been in the past, what it is now, and what I would like the future to be. I've come to the conclusion that if I want something, I need to make it happen. I have no idea where to begin.
I've tried to journal, but the words won't come. I intend to write out pages and pages, just get the feelings out, but instead I write one paragraph and then I have nothing more to say. I thought about designing and drawing but I'm not sure exactly what I want to make. I used to draw all the time when I was a teenager. I drew over long weekends by the fire. I drew in class after I finished my work. I drew elegant ladies in beautiful dresses and wild landscapes. I drew complex geometric patterns and spent the rest of the day coloring them in. Now when I look at a blank page, I have no idea what to do. It's like I forgot how to draw, maybe never even had the ability, and I don't know what to do.
To make things worse, I texted my ex. Listen to me- DO. NOT. EVER. TEXT. YOUR. EX. Ever. No matter what your reasoning, no matter how logical you think your argument is, DON'T DO IT. Just don't. I wanted my ring. My lovely, simple but beautiful garnet ring that I've had since I was born. I gave it to Kevin as a token of my love. After we broke up, I thought several times about asking for it. I always decided against it because I gave it freely and at the time, I really wanted him to have it. But it started to bug me because I'd had it my whole life and let's be honest, he isn't going to wear it. I remember explaining why it was so important to me when I gave it to him. But wait a minute, he knows what the rings means to me, so why hasn't he given it back. Hmmm. Maybe I should call.
That's where I got into trouble. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded. I'd just get my ring back. Because I'm sure he doesn't want it. And he didn't. That's why he threw it away. My mind still can't comprehend it and part of me hopes my ring is buried at the bottom of his dresser drawer and maybe if I sweet talk him enough, he'll cough it up. Worse, I think I might spot some bitch wearing MY RING and I'll have to beat her senseless because who the hell throws away a ring? Things got really ugly via text message and I was reminded to infinity why I left the man. The bottom line- Kevin hates me, he loves to hurt me, and I am never going to see that ring again. That is why he threw it away. Giving it back would have made me feel like I being reunited with an old friend. Kevin does not want me to be happy. So the next time I think about calling or texting I'm going to have to say, 'Shhh, Captain Morgan! I want it to be just us, okay? Let's get more drunk.'
I've slacked off in the Witch department. I think this might be the area that makes me feel better. It usually does. I went to the bookstore today and stared longingly at the Tarot cards I couldn't afford. I think I need to settle more into my landbase. Maybe I need to focus on my garden. Perhaps I should round out some Kitchen Witch techniques. I have a crystal ball. I feel really scattered. I'm asking you, Readers, help me focus. What would you like to learn? I have been a practicing Witch for over 15 years. Ask and I will provide the lessons or advice. Please, I need some posts to write before I go nuts.