Kurt and I have hit the rocks. It's more a series of several small things (occurring over and over and over and over and you get the idea) than any one big thing. I got tired of explaining why things bother me, tired of him not getting it, tired of never being alone, and tired of how things are instead of how I thought they would be.
Last night when he was at work, I discovered he had sent me an email. He dreamed we broke up and he wanted me to reassure him. I couldn't lie- I told him truthfully I no longer feel the same. And just like that, he left. When he came home he packed up all his clothes, doing laundry first to make sure he got it all. Then he was gone to his mother's house. He put in for a job transfer before leaving the plant. He moved before he knew if he would get it. I don't know how he's going to handle an hour and a half drive but he may just quit. All I know is he is not here.
I am surprised by it. I really expected him to whine, cry, beg, rage, or create drama. But he left so quickly and so thoroughly that I feel he wanted out. Maybe I should have said how I really felt a long time ago.
I feel relief. I'm glad it's over. I'm glad it went so smooth. I'm glad I didn't have to rearrange my life. I'm glad I can be myself.
Every thing seems perfectly aligned today. There was a big storm last night and that must have been what all the plant life was waiting for because more sunflowers burst from their seeds, the sage finally came up, and the zinnias doubled in size. The humming birds zipped around and crows are all over the place. Every time I see one, I think Magic is afoot. I saw a rabbit boldly hopping across the parking lot of my work. Nature is reaching in all directions at once.
I've started back on my healing the past project. I am now working with my father's grandparents. I had always heard good things about them, but lately my father has revealed more and more secrets. There is healing to be done, no matter how much he loved them. I'm having an issue now with that part of my family. It's big, so I think I will talk about it in a later post. Right now I just want life to keep humming along. It suddenly dawned on me that the Solstice is very soon. That one thought made me a scrambling Witch. I have no idea how I will celebrate.
In case you're wondering- no, I'm not man hunting. I really want to be a better Witch. My focus and concern is on my landbase. How does the Wheel turn here? What cycles do I follow? How can I be more in harmony with my surroundings? The last is very important. Each time I go into the garden, I come back feel refreshed. Even if I am weary from pulling weeds, I feel healed. I really want the land to speak to me, for it to tell me what it needs.
As for as the immediate effect of Kurt leaving- the first thing I did was empty the trash. And I'm going to throw out more stuff, not because I'm angry or hurt, but because I want to clear the way for a new life. I'm going to flip my mattress before I go to bed. I'm going to clean the whole house from top to bottom (and I hope I'm done before the Solstice) so I can have a brand new, fresh life.