Sunday, June 2, 2013

Goddess of the Moment Alone

I cleaned out the closet yesterday and filled two bags for Goodwill. I'd been cleaning all day, so because I was on a roll, I decided to immediately take the clothes to a donation drop box rather than let them linger in a corner. My dog Halona hopped in the truck. Which was cool, she's good company. I told Kurt I was leaving and he decided to go with me. 'Why do you have to go?' I snapped.

I hurt his feelings. But I am never alone. He's always here. He has no hobbies. He doesn't go anywhere. And evidently he doesn't have friends, or at least not good ones, because no one calls, comes over, or invites him out for a beer.

We sleep together. We shower together. We eat together. If I am alone sewing, he will come into the room and sit beside me, often just staring which makes me nuts. Then only time I'm really by myself is when I'm driving to work and then he calls me.

As an only child, I prefer solitude. I have always been alone. But I'm not lonely. I can find ways to keep my brain occupied. I like to read. I write. Sometimes I create art even though I suck at it. I really don't understand why someone fixates their existence on me. I don't understand why someone needs me to make themselves a whole person because I really thought each individual was already a person. He keeps saying I complete him and I don't see how because I don't do anything to improve his soul or to promote personal growth. And every time I tell him to go back in the house, to let me garden in peace, he panics. He doesn't understand me need to be alone no more than I understand him clinging.

Goddess help.

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