Tuesday, April 9, 2013

And I Have the First Family Dream

I'm still working on my grandmother's picture. Instead of using black, I found a country blue and that really seems to fit because my grandmother worked on farms all her life (share-cropper family) and the color also seems pretty but sad. My grandmother was very sad towards the end of her life. I think she had dreams that never came true.

And speaking of dreams, I dreamed about one of my cousins last night. I was watching a computer screen. I could see her in a red ball gown walking down a busy street. It obvious she was angry. I tried several times to text but couldn't get through. Finally my phone sent me an error message stating an hour before I had argued with her. I was surprised because I didn't know we were fighting.

I think the dream is about certain family members throwing tantrums in order to show off or get attention. I think viewing things through a monitor represents how I have always been outside or removed from the family. Just like the dream, I don't know what the fight is about or even that anyone has an issue with me. And the dream might be a warning that any concern I may show will only fuel the fire.

At work yesterday, I let my mind wander while I did my job. I do have a lot of memories of my grandmother, but most of them have a tinge of bitterness. For example, I will remember my grandmother giving me cookies and one of my aunts will be in the background making rude comments about spoiled children. I don't know if this happened with all the children or just me. All of it makes me sad and I don't know how long I can do this shadow work.

I think the starting point of this whole mess was when my mother was born. She is the youngest of five children. Granny was in bad health when she had my mother. She made the other children tend the baby. If my mother ever cried, Granny would spank all the kids because someone wasn't watching the baby. To avoid spankings, they gave her anything she asked for. That is so wrong on so many levels. Children shouldn't be tending babies. All shouldn't be punished for one person's mistake. And my mother is still spoiled to this day. She wants to go first, she wants the best, and she doesn't think she needs to earn anything, all should be given to her.

Now I don't think childhood is the only reason this family doesn't get along. Obviously some other things have occurred, my mother being a spoiled brat just set the stage. What I don't understand is why is it still happening? And why do people keep getting sucked in? Why isn't anyone smart enough, brave enough, to say, you know, they've never done anything to me personally so I'll just form my own opinions and I'm sorry you're upset but you really need to let it go.

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