Music Monday- Fast Car

Sunday

I decided to forgo being silent. And I wanted something funny. I think I complain too much sometimes.

One sewing machine is on the truck, waiting to vacate my house. I started clearing fabric today. My first intention was to clear one box. When I had a half empty box, I realized the contents of another box would fit perfectly, then that gave me an empty box so I should fix this pile here...and wow, look! An empty shelf! The closet is a long way from being neat. But it's better. I need to wave my wand a few more times.

In January, even if it kills me, I'm going to start doing. Not planning, not thinking, DOING something. Even if I have to start over. Even if I don't get it right the first time. And I have to see a project through, not get frustrated and start something else. There is no more room in my fabric closet for W.I.P.s (work in progress), P.I.G.S. (projects in grocery sacks), or W.O.M.B.A.T.s (waste of money, brains, and time).

I really, really, really want to design. I want to draw. I want to make patterns. I want to figure out how to put things together. I will pick one day, maybe Saturday, and that's Design Day, the day for pencil and paper.

Last night, I looked at my idea folders. I have several computer files of ooh-pretty-how-can-I-make-that! I will make that. I used to be intimidated by projects. I would be so in awe of other people's work, wonder why I didn't think of it myself, and be afraid to even cut the fabric because what if I screw up? Well, whatever, I am now a fabulous textile artist, I can make just about anything, hand me the scissors.

I am still tired, but not as tired as I was before X-mas. I feel like I'm recovering from some mental flu. I've learned a lot about myself and please, Mind, no more. Don't haul out anymore dark, twisted junk. I don't want to see it, I'm letting it go, and let's move on.

One thing I just noticed (here's how dumb I am) is the placement of my altar. I have always wanted an altar in my kitchen, 'cause ya know, Kitchen Witch and all. This has never been practical. The other day I realized...my altar is behind my stove. Yeah, there's a wall between the altar and the stove, but there it is, right behind the stove in the center of the house. All this time, I've been wishing for a fireplace with a mantle, candles and herb jars over a roaring fire with a big sunny kitchen...the altar is in the middle of the house, is the hub and heart of the house, and I am one clueless Witch.

Speaking of my altar, in my living room. Ahem. Kurt's mother (also clueless) finally saw it when she brought Kurt's son yesterday. I forget how many times she's been in this house. After I left to go shopping, she was sitting on the couch, staring at the altar (cauldron on top), looking at the candles, all those books with the word 'witch' in the title, and she whispered to Kurt, "Does she practice witchcraft?"

I can't get my head around that one. I know he TOLD her, how could she forget? I didn't remember any other detail about my son's girlfriend, I'd remember the witch thing. I'm really glad I wasn't home because I would have had to been a smart ass. Maybe she thought I didn't cast, but then, what does she think Witches do? Evidently I am not the only one seeing what I want to see.

Gad!

I went shopping today.

I hate shopping. Hate it with a purple passion.

Worse, (of course, it's worse. Otherwise this would be a short post and not worth writing) I went with my mother. We do not get along. We have never gotten along. I try, and fail, to just accept my mother as she is. This does not work. Nor, sadly, does she accept me as I am. Sometimes I try, and fail, to see things from her point of view and this never works because either her view is so contrary to mine I can't stand it, or she notices I'm being weird/strange/different and immediately becomes suspicious. I cannot win. Being that I am her child, no matter how old I become, my view is always invalid. By default my view is less because I was born of her, not before her.

I try to resign myself to the fact that I will never win and that doesn't work either. I get suckered no matter what. We were supposed to go shopping in one town but when I got to her house she wanted to go 'just down the road for a minute.' Really, why did I not see the red flags waving? Of course, there's another store 'just down from here' and on and on until we are in Phenix City.

I can't say anything good about Phenix City. Nothing. Nada. And OMG the people are so fucking ugly. I don't just mean physically unattractive, I mean rude as well. But of course they are unattractive, too. Picture some drunk, cross-eyed, fat, inbred rednecks. Yeah. Those people.

The town is right unattractive, just like the residents. I saw some 'luxury' apartments with trash piled by the side; scrap lumber, fill dirt, left over construction bits, and, well, garbage. Who builds high-end apartments and leaves all the junk laying around? Some in-bred redneck from Phenix City.

I can call them in-bred because they are. My mother's family has a habit of marrying cousins. I shit you not. My mother doesn't get along with her family, not even her siblings. I was raised away from them. I used to think this was a bad thing until I actually met my family, and then I realized I had been blessed. Very blessed. Sometimes I can't believe we share DNA and maybe we don't. One day I'll have to write the Ice Man story.

But moving on, we went shopping in Phenix City. It has the worst traffic patterns I have ever seen. I would rather drive through Atlanta than down the 280 Bypass. I don't know why they call it a 'bypass' because you don't by pass a damn thing, the road is lined with urban sprawl and it is ugly too. People are going in every direction. They get frustrated trying to cross from one side to the other so there's a lot of cutting in, not heeding stop signs, and blocking lanes as people make illegal turns.

I tried to find a picture of the access roads. I didn't go beyond the first page of results, and I didn't try Google Maps. These four lanes have two lane roads on either side. The purpose was to make it easier to get to the businesses lining 280. In fact, most of what came up in my search was businesses- fast food, pawn shops, and cheap department stores.

See? It's a real place. Of course, this map doesn't say Phenix City, but heck, you ain't missing anything. The sign in the top pic is real, I swear.

I even found some of the residents.

I don't remember whose idea it was to go shopping. The plan was for Mom to buy me stuff for my house and that would be Christmas. I could go to any store (snort), pick out what I wanted, then she'd pay. We went to Dollar General, K-Mart, and Big Lots. I wanted to go to Target, World Market, and Hobby Lobby. Phenix City doesn't have anything that nice.

While in Big Lots, I saw an ex-boyfriend. Of course I ran into someone I know. I'm related to half the town and I'm only postive I wasn't dating my cousin because my ex is from Illinois. He told me he caused a lot of trouble when he was a teen so his parents sent him here where upon he immediately got his first wife pregnant. I am still not understanding why he is still here or how I manage to keep bumping into him every five years or so.

I searched Facebook, but I couldn't find him. He's hot. I should have married him a long time ago. I will be 36 in January. We met when I was 19. He has been in love with me ever since.

Speaking of love, I dreamed of Mr. Dragon. I swear that man has astral projection down to an exact science. I almost called him, but I have a man. Kurt's son visited today. He did not want to leave. Kurt's daughter is indifferent to her father and I have not yet met her.

While doing Silver's Release Challenge this year, the greatest revelations has been mental in form. As in, how the fuck could I not have seen this? This has been the hardest challenge for me and I've been doing it every year for four years. This year the physical stuff has been less, but the mental stuff- the ideas, thoughts, acceptance of my own personal reality...well, I'm shaken to my core. Each time I think I've cleared some great hurdle, a strange volley of surreal parades before my eyes and I am shocked, numbed, sickened, grasping for straws as I realize it's been here the whole time and I just didn't see it for what it really was. That's why shopping was so hard today. I just cannot believe I keep doing this to myself. What is wrong with me?

The biggest change of the challenge has been in my sewing. Before I had lots of ideas, but I was put off by many projects because I thought my skill wasn't good enough. Now I look at things with a more critical eye. Now I think, I want to make that. I will make that- in my style. How can I adjust it so it suits me?

I've also realized I am far too lenient when it comes to fabric. No matter how ugly the material, theoretically I can use it. I HAVE BEEN KEEPING FABRIC I HATE. No more. I'm going to scale down my fabric stash. I'm going to make some of the thousand things on my idea list. My sewing should be for me. Only me. Does it really matter what anyone else thinks?!

The Yule/X-mas Break

I am off work until Wednesday. We were supposed to shut down for two weeks. Now, since everything is about money, we come back to work the day after Christmas.

Normally when I have some time off, I plan lots of projects. I didn't this time. I am really, really tired, physically and mentally. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I have planned Nothing. I want to sleep, read, drink large amounts of alcohol, and spend several hours staring off into space. I may, if I get bored, do some sewing. If I get hungry, I'll cook. But I haven't set a schedule for these things and if nothing gets done that will be fine.

The Attic Windows Pin- Mind Clearing Charm

I made my first stitch witch charm- the whole thing is a spell from start to finish. I made a pin from embroidery floss and plastic canvas. My design is a quilt block, Attic Windows. Because of the dreams I started having during the Release Challenge, I decided I needed something to help with negative thought patterns.

Just a little aside here: this is my briefcase where I store my needlework. This briefcase was a gift from my mother when I took piano lessons so I could have a place for my sheet music. Yes, those are my real initials, and no, I do not know what the hell my momma was thinking when she named me.

A page from one of my many sketch books. A long time ago, I designed an Attic Windows quilt. I never made the quilt, but no need to let the pattern go to waste. I scaled my design down to four squares.

Now the fun parts- using magick tools. I used a deck of cards for a tarot reading, my spindle to get the energy moving, and my crystal ball to manifest design into reality.

This was the first card of the reading. A cemetery again! I think this project will be about facing shadows and fears, and possibly moving into other realms of reality.

This is the card I got when I asked what the end result would be. I am taking it to mean being aware of emotions but able to rise above them, being the mistress of myself, and staying focused on the direction I wish to take. As you can see, I'm writing all this in my journal in case I need to review later.

Last cards. These came from asking what colors and numbers I should use. I settled on multiples of three and tried to pick colors I thought represented clarity, understanding, and comfort.

Almost finished. Attic Windows is supposed to be about light and shadow. I've always thought of it as depicting late afternoon or early evening. To me, an attic is place where things are stored and probably forgotten. Surprises abound in attics. It is the prefect metaphor for the mind.

The completed pin. It took longer to read the cards than to do the stitching. I had fun making this little project and have already planned more. I think I whipped up the whole thing (minus the magick part) in under 20 minutes. Expect more to appear on this blog.

The New Collage

Here is the old collage on the back of the sewing room door. All the pictures are from the tropics. They're pretty, but I wanted pictures of landscapes closer to home. I removed the old pictures, swept the door with my witch broom, then wiped away all the dust.

Here's the new. The pictures are from my old gardening and pagan magazines. Behind each picture is an affirmation. I'm not telling you what I'm working towards, but I will show you each picture.

Music Monday

Silent Sunday- Yule Dragons

Upcoming

Lots of small things going on here-

1. I dreamed I was in a cemetery last night. In the dream, I had been there before but this cemetery was like nothing I have seen in real life. It had been well kept once, but in my dream the grass was waist high and all the stones were covered in moss. The tombstones were beautiful. There were lots of weeping angels and statues of the people buried. There were two eternal flames and a huge mausoleum. I think this is a sign I should be working with the dead. I had been visiting cemeteries but that project was placed in the back burner as daily life took demand. I love cemeteries.

2. I am still moving slowly along with the Great Release Challenge. While at work, I decided to clean the laundry room part of my kitchen. Mentally, I thought about what to get rid of, how to organize, and how to clean. This morning I started with the shelf above the washer. It was practically effortless and took less time than I thought. If you have a project, try visualizing each step before you begin. This may help to speed progress.

3. I am about to make my first stitch witch charm, as in the thing I make will be the charm itself, not that I will use magick in my sewing like I usually do. The whole act of making the charm will be a spell.

4. I have collage magick, too. On the back of my sewing room door I have nature pictures. The current pictures have been taped up for a long while. I went through my gardening magazines, found better pictures, and I'm going to make a wish board.

5. I've made changes to this blog. There are no links to any of my shops. I decided the blog should be ad free. I am no longer reading some blogs; these have been removed from the what I read list. Still debating on whether or not to do a post about which sites I like.

6. I have several small sewing projects planned. I will be sharing these and I may do step by step tutorials.

7. Starting in January, I will have my first blog giveaway. I plan to do this monthly, but I may have to see how it goes.

Could Be My Best Work Yet

Music Monday- I WIsh I Had A Girl Who Walked Like That

Release- Days 5 thru 9

This is what my life has been like lately- shadowy, vague, hinting at more, misty, and shifting. Do you see the dragon in the knot? I just noticed it. During this release challenge I have started to notice things that were there all along.

By and large, there is little to no clutter in my house. At times things pile up or I put off making repairs, but about 95% of my house is very well organized. I grew up in a house with wall to wall furniture. I don't exactly blame my parents for the way they are because I realize they are products of how they were raised. Both come from poor families. My father and his brother lived with their grandparents for a while because my grandparents couldn't afford food. Both my grandmother and grandfather worked in the mill. They would drive to Tallapoosa County from Phenix City every Sunday to visit and that one day was the only time my father saw his parents until the next week. They moved every time the rent was due. My father remembers living in 10 different houses before he started school. It was a very long time before my grandparents could provide a stable home. My mother is the youngest of five children. She lived on a farm and her family had an outhouse until she was an adult. Both my parents are reluctant to throw anything away because they believe it can be fixed, patched, or repurposed. I understand their mindset. But I do not understand why they must hold on to everything even when the item is trash or they don't like it. They will keep an ugly chair if nothing is wrong with it. Once I cleaned out the shed and threw away a broken hammer. I mean the head had broken off and it only had one claw. It could not be used. You could neither hammer a nail or pull one out. My father got very angry with me. "Having these things is not wrong! It's not hurting anything to keep it!" I tried to explain useless things take up space and he did not understand at all.

You might be wondering why I do the challenge every year if I don't really have clutter. Everybody has something they can throw away. I threw out my favorite pair of shoes this week. When I bought the shoes, the color was labeled 'mushroom.' The color now is the shade of stale coffee. The soles had cracked and the leather was peeling up. They smelled. They were great shoes, very well made but I could see they were getting old and I had another pair I never wore. I let the shoes go. The challenge forces me to examine my life and if I didn't look around occasionally I might not realize my shoes look like Kmart rejects.

The other reason I do the challenge is because I have plenty of mind clutter.

At the start of the second week, the dreams began. I am working on prosperity and I dreamed I bought a house even though I had no money. Then I dreamed I was trying to buy a car even though I didn't need one. Why do I dream this? Do I think money doesn't matter? Is the Universe going to provide for me? Do I think I need more money? Do I think I am wasting what I have? Should I rethink my goals?

This is why the magick part of the challenge is important. Most people think they will just be cleaning house. No. The housekeeping part is a side-effect of investigating why you live the way you live. Your house is you and the house is the way it is because of all the things you have done up to this point.

Every day I've done the chants. I haven't been able to do all the cleaning challenges, but I have been able to clean something and I have managed to release one item each day. As my dreams become more vivid, I've started seeing things differently and I am worrying less. Some things no longer matter. And the money is getting a little easier to manage. This week I ended up with extra. Next week I'll have extra.

So what am I doing with this extra? Nothing. I think wealth means not having to worry about how things will be paid. Saving is my goal right now.

I am also looking at my future. I had several projects in mind that could earn money but these sort of fell to the side. I'm revising a few, continuing with a couple more, and rethinking others. I let go of the ones that were more trouble than they were worth. Very auspicious times are coming astrologically so soon the time will be right to charge ahead.

We are now in the dark half of the year. The light is coming. I feel the energy shifting, dreamtime fading and now I am ready to be active.

Silent Sunday- The Witch's Son

Release Challenge Journal Day 1 to Day 5

I got confused- Day 1 and Day 2 were posted on Silver's blog at the same time. Day 1 was just about how it works and Day 2 was when I was supposed to clean the floor. I did Day 2 on Day 1. Oops. Since I was ahead, I made Day 2 a spa day. I took a long shower, trimmed my hair, and then tried a facial I found on Pinterest. It's the DIY pore strip one. The recipe is just two things, unflavored gelatin and milk. First, I thought it was wasteful. I used ONE small packet of gelatin and only needed less than a third of it. A little bit goes a long way here. I barely used any milk. Second, it sets fast as in as soon as I added the milk I had a paste without stirring. I found a note on Pinterest suggesting microwaving the mix for ten seconds and that DID make it more liquid but it also made it HOT. Another note said not to put it on your eyebrows. The stuff is like Krazy Glue and I think it could be really effective unwanted hair removal, so be warned. Third, it's hard to peel off. It doesn't really make a nice neat strip. It's more like peeling skin from a sunburn. Only a bit at a time lifts off. After peeling and peeling and peeling, I had to scrub the last of it off with a wash cloth. Finally, it left my skin red. Certainly, my pores are clear. But I think the top layer of skin cells are gone. I don't think I'll repeat this and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they had a serious acne problem.

Other things I'd like to not repeat- my mother is so negative. I went to visit my parents just like I do every Sunday. Mom was in a bad mood. I don't know what set her off, but she was mad at the world. My mother is not the most positive of people anyway. All my life I have been suffering from her anger. She used to get angry with my father and beat me with a switch. She needs anger management therapy. She is very passive aggressive. All evening she made snide little comments. When I left, I was mad too. I was particularly annoyed at the gas station because I couldn't get to the pump I wanted. Suddenly I realized my mother's negative energy had infected me. And this happens nearly every week. I usually come home with a splitting headache. I try hard to keep negative people out of my life, but I don't know how I can avoid my own mother.

On the third day, the challenge was to clean all flat surfaces. I dusted the whole house, then said a chant after I cleaned each space:
"Trinka 5, Trinka 5
Ancient Spirits come alive
Money grow and money thrive
Spirits of the Trinka 5"
Part of Day 3's challenge was to clean doors. I skipped this because I had just cleaned, warded, and hung mirrors on the doors a week ago. I wanted to polish my big brass dragon, but I was utterly out of polish. I felt like I should really work with dragon energy, so I designed a needlepoint dragon. It's not finished because I had to go to work, so more on that later.

Day 4, I awoke with a low sugar. And then Kurt hogged the computer. I didn't get online all day. I did say my chants, and since I knew the challenge would be about junk drawers (which I don't have), I cleaned all my kitchen drawers. I'd like to go through my dresser, but I think that will have to wait.

I didn't check my email until I was at work. There is some kind of Internet Physics Law which states the longer you are offline the more important the email. I got comments and an Etsy conversation. Now if I had signed on first thing Tuesday morning nobody would have wanted to talk to me. And yes, Kat, there is a link

Now- I'm off the read Day 5. I will probably have another updated journal entry this weekend.

Music Monday- Rolling in the Deep

Silent Sunday

The Great Release Challenge 2012

Again I am participating in Silver RavenWolf's Release Challenge. This is my third or fourth year. 2012 will be a bit different. For starters, I'm doing the whole thing. Each day, I'm doing the magick AND the cleaning. Before I would do one or the other, but not both every day. I'm also intent on doing the chants daily. I may change a few things to suit me, for example, Day One's challenge was to clean the floor. Of the whole house. Like move furniture to clean every single corner and every inch of floor space. Great idea, but that would take hours. Instead, I started in my sewing room because that's where I would like to see the most change, and I cleaned the hell out of that floor. Then I vacuumed the rest of the house, but I didn't try to clean every single inch. Here's the before:

My sewing table with unfinished projects. Sigh. Here's the after:

The rug was the main thing. When I moved furniture before Thanksgiving, I had to do something with the rug. I was afraid to put it in front of the couch because I thought it would be too close to the heater. I really didn't know what to do with it. Tonight I enchanted the rug. (Yes, you can enchant ordinary objects.) My theme for this year is prosperity. I am sick of just barely getting by. This rug is now my magic carpet to prosperity and wealth.

Mind you, the room is not perfect. I am not looking to achieve perfection. I am looking for improvement. I want things to be better.

Tools of the trade. My wand, broom, and witch's hat. Before cleaning, I sweep out negative energy with my broom. I put on my hat for fun (better means happy and fun, right?) and after I had items in place, I tapped the things I wanted to change with my wand to begin transformation. I need more hooks for my peg board so I can hung up the rest of my thread. I want an embroidery machine. I have three sewing machines and I think at least one will go. Maybe two. The closet is so jammed with fabric I got depressed just looking at it. So I waved my wand and declared what I wanted to see. That closet is going to become neater and in the process my prosperity will grow.

I got rid of projects I know I will never finish. I cleaned out my art supplies, tossing old paint. I am trying to decide what I really need. I am getting rid of a basket and a poster. Nobody has ever liked the poster but me and since I decided to hang mine and Kurt's art on the walls, I don't have a place for it anymore. The basket is in good shape, but I never use it. I don't really like it, I was just keeping it because it belonged to my grandmother. She didn't really use it except for keeping odds and ends. I'm pretty sure as I work through the challenge I'll have more things to donate to charity.

I'm also trying to fix things. The pull chain keeps coming off the ceiling fan. I reattached the chain. A bolt falls out of my office chair. I screwed the bolt back in and tightened the rest for good measure. And then I changed the background picture on my computer:

This says Christmas and prosperity and luck to me. As I clean, I will decorate the house. Part of the challenge is choosing an energy to work with. I picked dragons. I used dragons last year and the theme was balance. I think overall I did a good job of fitting everything I wanted into my life- happiness, love, garden, creativity, and safe home. There are some areas of my life that I wish I had more time for, but that is part of balance too, obligation vs. wants.

The other things that is different about this year is for the first time I have a partner. Kurt is doing the challenge too. I am not expecting him to do as much as me, or even do the challenge every day, but we are working together towards the same goal- to have all our needs met and more.