One Down, One to Go

Kurt spent the beginning of last night's shift flirting with me. When I wouldn't flirt back, he thought something was wrong, like I was mad at him or having problems with my sugar or I'd gotten into some kind of trouble.

I didn't want to flirt because I have chosen Mr. Dragon. I couldn't say anything to Kurt because Mr. Dragon was working a mere 12 feet away. He moved Kurt and I KNOW he got jealous because he saw Kurt talking to me. I'm not pressing the issue- I made my choice and having some distance from Kurt makes it easier to avoid sticky situations. But I don't like to upset anyone, so I had to sneak around the corner to tell Kurt sorry, you're not my choice. He said he was fine with it. He said he understood. But he still keeps waving and smiling, so I doubt he's given up completely.

I still have to tell Kevin. I don't know how to do it. But I've got to do something soon because Mr. Dragon is treating me like a queen. It totally blows my mind. Last night, I had to fix my robot. I grabbed the wrong wrench, and when I came back with the correct tools, he had fixed it for me. I felt like a helpless girl. Then he brought me lunch. I was dumbfounded; it was so unexpected. Before we left work, he said he wanted to put gas in my truck (!). Then he pumped it AND got me a diet coke. What did I do to deserve all this?! Kevin does like one nice thing a day, then he's done. Mr. Dragon acts like happiness doesn't begin until he sees me. All of it is giving me fluttering butterflies in my stomach. I feel awkward and unworthy. I feel like I should shower him with love and affection in return. I just pray it's enough.

Made My Choice

I picked Mr. Dragon.

I still have a lot of problems to sort out. I haven't told Kevin. I think he senses something has changed, but he doesn't know what. He is being distant and moody and little edgy.

I have to tell Kurt. I think his feelings will be crushed because he has a fear of being alone. Yes, he knows about Mr. Dragon, but I think he was getting the idea things would develop between us. I decided not to be with Kurt because he lets women rescue him. He's 31 and has been married 3 times. He married one because he lost his job, was living in a shack, met her, and realized if they married he'd have a proper house. I'm wondering if he can take care of himself. I have enough problems of my own without taking on someone else's and Kurt is going through a rough time right now.

While I trying to sort all this out in my head, I read this post. So I looked up my houses where Libra and Gemini reside. Sure enough, it all mirrors the current events of my love life. I get the feeling things will get worse before it gets better.

2 of My Men Have ESP

Kevin asks me at least 300 times a day if I love him. He started this the day after Mr. Dragon and I decided to take it slow.

Kurt had car problems tonight, so I took him home. And being that nothing on this earth is ever simple, one thing led to another. I said he was persistent. I'd tell him no, and then somehow he'd shift me around so that I ended up in a much more compromising position. I am just astounded that I managed to leave without having sex. We got so close I sort feel like I did have sex. We did every thing but.

Somehow, I got my clothes back on. Somehow, we calmed down and breathed normally. And then I realized we crossed a line, we can't go back, and working next to him just got complicated. Especially since I just agreed to slowly enter a relationship with the team leader. I decided to was necessary to warn Kurt but he had already figured out Mr. Dragon and I have a thing.

So much for keeping a low profile.

I've been very bad, I tell you. Very, very, very bad. At least I am keeping you entertained.

Same Group, Better Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_3CvrKWQe0&ob=av2e

I'm Going Straight to Hell. Just Like My Momma Said

Readers, I am in a hot mess. And it happened so freakin' fast. It's like I can almost see what's coming and then BANG IT HAPPENED, and I am reeling in the aftermath.

Kurt wants me to meet him again after work. I know better, but I also kinda want to go. That's the first problem.

The second problem is Mr. Dragon has decided I'm the one. Ordinarily, I wouldn't consider this a problem, I'd think it was a dream come true. But I'm scared he's going to bail on me again. We have decided to take things slow.

I had to work tonight (Saturday) and one guy didn't show up, so Mr. Dragon worked in his place. Now picture this-

Kurt spent the whole shift sticking his tongue out at me, winking, trying to make me laugh, and saying dirty things. Mr. Dragon was standing behind Kurt waving at me. And at one point, Mr. Dragon called me over to ask what Kurt was doing, because damn, he sure is acting funny.

I couldn't lie, I said Kurt was flirting with me. Mr. Dragon thought that was ridiculous. He didn't know I was flirting back.

Yes, I was flirting with two different men and praying neither would catch on to what I was doing with the other. Hot. Mess. To. The. Nth. Degree.

Of course, Mr. Dragon wanted to talk after work. And Kurt was waiting on me so we could go somewhere. Oh shit.

I just told Kurt I couldn't meet him tonight. I told Mr. Dragon we could talk. Somehow, I managed to get out the door alone and I sweated all the way across the parking lot because Kurt had been parked behind me and the LAST thing he needed to see was Mr. Dragon getting in my truck. Thank god, Kurt was gone. One problem averted.

Then, I had a nice long conversation with Mr. Dragon. I didn't mention Kurt, Kevin, or any of the other men buzzing around. When he got out to go to his truck, I noticed a BUNCH of people standing around being nosey, so on Monday I'm sure I'll have nineteen-thousand more problems. I decided to narrow things down. Jeff is no longer a possibility and neither is any other man.

But I haven't solved the Kevin problem.  I know Kevin loves me. But, and this is a big but, we still have all the problems we had before and he is not making any effort to solve them. This is why we broke up. We had issues, and I was the only one trying to work through them. I took him back, the issues are still there, and he is still not doing anything.

So I'm down to three men, I'm only sleeping with one, and I don't know how much longer I can fend the other two off. I mean really, Kurt is beyond persistent. I saw him staring at me tonight, looking star-struck. Know why? He saw me stretch and my shirt rode up. Apparently I have a better body than he imagined and now he wants to see the rest of it. Every time he tells me something like that, I start scanning the room for Mr. Dragon before he walks up on a conversation he doesn't need to hear. I don't want to tell him about Kurt, and I don't think it's such a hot idea for Kurt to know about Mr. Dragon. But how the fuck do I keep them apart when they work on the same line and Mr. Dragon is team leader? I'm trying to be good, I'm trying to pretend like I'm in Sunday school, but it ain't working because Mr. Dragon is constantly touching me and Kurt is telling me all the things he wants to do with his tongue. If you are female, I must urge you to never, ever work in a factory. Ever.

Tree Goddess

Crochet- Thing With 1 Stick

As usual, I was sitting in my truck sewing before work. Tommy's wife parked beside me to drop him off. She waited for him to bring his check to her (I don't think she earns her own money and poor Tommy probably never keeps his earnings). She noticed my bright colored star, and sent Tommy to ask me if I was crocheting.

Sigh.

Crochet is the thing you do with one stick. Knitting needs two sticks. Just about everything else falls under sewing, which is the little bitty metal stick. Weaving usually needs a large contraption that can't be taken out of the house, and spinning is the thing Goddesses do in Their spare time.

Speaking of sticks, against my better judgement, I met Kurt after work, mainly because I was curious about his stick. I found out it's a good size. I explained why we can't do it again. But I am already missing his stick. And I'm not good. And he's persistent. I really shouldn't be fooling with his stick. Let's get back to the non-crocheted star:

I told Tommy it was needlepoint. Really, it's too hard to explain. Often I tell people I quilt. The first thing they ask is 'Do you knit them?' NO. I don't knit. I quilt. Nobody gets it. Once I spent an awful long time in a confusing conversation with a man who wanted to know if I embroidered queen sized quilts. I thought he was asking he to make something with embroidery and he was just asking if I ever made queen sized quilts. Sometimes when I would sell my quilts at the flea market, people couldn't understand why I was unable to the change the color of the fabric. I don't mean I was selling a blue quilt and they wanted red. I mean the blue fabric would have white flowers printed on it and they wanted me to change just the color of the flowers. A woman was all set to buy one of my baby quilts. Suddenly she asked if I could put her son's name on it. No problem, how big? I meant, how big should his name appear on the quilt. She kept telling me it was six letters long. I've had people with a glimmer of understanding about sewing ask me to make something, and I would spend a good deal of time sketching, estimating, and calculating only to have them say they'll get back to me. They never do. If you're going to tie me up for an hour, I think I should be paid. It wasn't a pleasant conversation between friends; it was a whole lot of work out the window. This is why I no longer do custom orders. I have to give a textile education before I can find out what I am expected to make. Often people want me to make a quilt like the one Grandma had. I have no clue what kind of quilt your Granny put on her bed and the more you try to describe it, the more I realize you don't remember.

From now on, if you see someone in the act of creation, just ask, what are you making?

Here's My Number

It's a really good thing I didn't meet Kurt after work. He tried to give me his phone number today. I told him I couldn't take it. He lied and said it was in case I ever had car trouble or something, ran out of gas or whatever, he'd come get me. The man can barely keep his own car running. I know better, Kurt.

I think I made him mad by turning down his number, but he kept flirting with me and he still does stupid things to make me laugh, so he hasn't given up. I managed to keep my tongue in my mouth. More or less.

Can you imagine if I had kissed him? We'd be married this weekend. I told Nene and she was all, 'Oh, be careful, girl. You can't play with some people. Can't do nothing with the tongue or the eyes.'

What? Eyes? Now I'm paranoid about where I was looking.

The Sex Witch Is In

Part of why I was bad in this life is I'm a tease. I know it. I admit it. I understand it's mean, and I still do it anyway. I don't do it as much anymore, because I'm old and know better. But sometimes...things happen.

It's Kurt's fault, he started it. He was doing really stupid stuff trying to get a smile out of me, and I, feeling bratty, stuck out my tongue.

'Don't do that.'

Of course I did it again. I did it like 20 times before I caught on to why he asked me not to. My mind doesn't catch on to dirty things like it used to. Not because I am less perverted, I just think a lot slower since diabetes rearranged my brain.

Now after I figured out I was making him think of oral sex, I should have stopped. But that wouldn't have been any fun. I wanted to see if I could get a rise out of him and oooh, I did. He had to stand behind a table for a while. This would have been a really good time to stop. I'm not good. I got an ink pen.

He dared me to meet him after work. I didn't. I think I have way too many men buzzing around me.

But it's nice to know I can still reel 'em in.

Sorry, Kurt. I'll be good tomorrow, I swear.

I'm in a Treasury!

First freakin' item, no less:
http://www.etsy.com/treasury/MTY4MzIyNTd8MjcyMDEyMzEwOQ/diamonds-are-a-girls-best-friend

That's my good news for today.

In other news, nothing is ever simple.

I haven't seen Jeff all week. I was afraid he got fired because forklift drivers do NOT last long in the department he's in. So I felt bad that he probably got screwed, but I was relieved to have one less man chasing me. But then! (Told ya it wasn't simple) But then, there's Kurt. Kurt thinks I'm awesome with a beautiful smile and because I rarely smile, he does stupid things all night trying to make me laugh. So I thought I lost one but gained another until tonight when Jeff came back to work. I have like, I don't know, I lost count of all these men AND THEN (no, still not simple) Mr. Dragon picked tonight to reveal some info I wish I had known about months ago, like when I was thinking of giving Jeff a try. These men are driving me up the damn wall. Evidently I was very, very bad in a past life. Or maybe I was just bad in this one. I've lost count of that too.

Moving on to less complicated matters, I no longer have insurance. I had Essential Care under the temp agency, and of course I knew it would run out, I just didn't know when. I so did not want to call and ask if I was still covered. In March I went to the doctor with my Blue Cross card, only to find out coverage didn't begin until April. Then I got a letter from Blue Cross denying me coverage because I am diabetic. They are refusing to cover me until January 2013. Short of getting a lawyer, there is nothing I can do, and even if I fight it, they can still deny me while dragging things out in court. I can always claim they intended to cover me since they sent me a card stating coverage begins in April, but I will still have to go through several months of negotations and there is no way to make them pay for my insulin RIGHT FUCKING NOW when I need it. And I do not know if I could win. I might spend a whole lot of time, effort, and money getting nowhere. Being that I had Blue Cross when I became diabetic, I don't think they should call my illness a pre-existing condition just because I changed jobs. And I think it should be against the law to deny a healthy diabetic coverage. You see, all my test results have been in the normal range for the last two check-ups. Despite having an incurable illness, I am in better health than the average American. And being that diabetes is one of the fastest growing diseases in America with a person diagnosed every 17 seconds, the law must change to protect us. Soon there will be so many people with the sugar, the non-diabetics will be the weird ones.

Let's talk about something less depressing:

I just finished The Dressmaker of Khair Khana. My only complaint is it wasn't long enough. And pictures! I want pictures of the beautiful dresses! There is a list of websites in the back of the book I am yet to visit, maybe I can find/view/buy something really cool.

I am working on one of my lovely stars for my cousin's birthday next month. I am done with the yellow and cream star and have moved on to the background. I intended greens, but the star said teal and pink. It is bold and very girly. But it's a gift for a bold woman who does not leave her house unless she is dressed to the nines. Always listen to your creations, they know better than you.

I took a walk today (see, exercising, sticking to my diet, and taking my meds. I am such a good girl) I decided I was a Kmart reject of a witch because I couldn't identify 90% of the plants growing along the road. And I call myself a kitchen witch. Name any spice and I can rattle off a few dozen uses. I can do this for just about any spice or herb sold in the grocery store. But when it comes to wildcrafting, I'm not wild enough. Maybe I switch over to being a sex witch. I seem to be oozing sex appeal from my pores with practically no effort. As long as I don't have to screw in the woods I should be okay.

And is anyone else having problems with Blogger? Suddenly half my stuff doesn't work. My picture disappeared from the top of my blog because of 'invalid URL' What? Nothing changed. It's a picture of a sign in my front yard that I took with my camera, I own the image, and after posting it to my blog, I didn't make any changes. How can the URL be invalid? Buttons don't work, which is why the new 'stalk me' feature is a list of addresses and not neat little buttons taking you to various sites. Pictures pretend to load, but don't acutally show up in the post. Titles also delete themselves. I thought it was me, but no, I have named all my posts like I always do. Speaking of titles, the title of this blog went away after I corrected the photo of my sign and I haven't put it back because every time I fix something, I find more problems.

Nothing is ever simple.

Now You See It, Now You Don't

Here is my closet with my witch's broom and wand in plain sight:

Here is the quilt hanging behind the door:

I took the quilt down, shook off the dust, and hung my tools on the wall:

Then I rehung the quilt on a tension curtain rod:

Why am I doing this? I'm having a party in June and all the guests are non-magickal people.

My next decorating project involves replacing those fugly 1970's closet doors.

Bad Puppy!

Queen has chewed up my plants. This pitiful little pile is all that's left of my 9 flower pots. I have spent my Saturday, digging, planting, spraying Chew-Stop (organic bitter spray designed to keep dogs from chewing on their fur or furniture), and casting protective circles around everything. The plants may live. Or they might not. In which case, I will be replanting. Aaaarrrgggghhhhh.

Goodbye Yahoo

I have canceled my Yahoo account. I'm not a big Yahoo fan anyway. I prefer to check that account with my phone because their homepage is slam full of nothing. Sometimes I'll see what I think will be an interesting news article, but it never is. The title conveys an utterly different message than the story. And most of their 'news' is celebrity gossip about people I'm supposed to have heard of, but I have no clue why they're famous.

The spam was taking over my inbox. I was getting spam about once a week. Delete. Then I got it every day. I upped the spam guard. I got more. From the same senders. I marked it all as spam and the next day it would all be there again, same senders, same messages, plus a little more spam. Why is Yahoo not understanding me when I say I don't want this junk in mailbox?

The only thing I really liked about Yahoo was the avatars. It's me, only cooler. I wanted to save all my avatars. You know, being that it's my image and all. I was already signed in to Yahoo. I tried going to my avatar (which, btw, is a complicated process. When I click on the thumbnail of myself, I want to play with my avatar. I do not want to improve my profile.) Yahoo kept asking for my password. I'd type it, hit enter, and the page would reload right back to asking me for my password. I'd tried going at it from several different angles, hitting the sign in button, trying to get to my avatar from a different page, hitting enter multiple times, trying old passwords in case Yahoo was really stupid, and nothing worked. I could not get to my avatar.

At this point, I just said fuck it and I canceled. Yahoo is not worth the trouble. So now I have just one email account, my gmail. I'm not sure how I feel about that because my user name is my full birth name. So now I'm like exposed and that's why there is no email link on this blog. I may set up another gmail account for blog use and times when I need to be undercover, and my current email can be for the people who already know me or my name anyway.

I'm still thinking a lot about what would happen to my Internet life if something happened to me. I'm thinking I should make a list of all the sites I use and maybe some of those sites can go bye-bye like Yahoo. I'm also thinking about passwords because I tend to make passwords out of the names of men I've slept with. It would probably be wise to change everything to neutral words with no sexual connotations. I would hate to wind up in the hospital again and someone for whatever reason needs to access some account and they get their feelings hurt or they find out about someone they didn't need to know existed. Yes, I need neutral words.

On My Mind

When I left work, the moon was wicked awesome, all orange and peeking through the clouds. It was one of those moments when I am glad I am a witch so I can love the moon and not fear the dark. I wanted to take a picture, but I knew my phone wouldn't pick it up.

Speaking of pictures, I am a piss poor photographer. If you see a detailed, sharp photo on this blog, the odds are great I googled for it.

I have a lot, and I mean a whole freakin' lot, of websites which I visit daily. I tend to get lost in these places, so I have to pretend pinterest and stumbleupon don't exist. I recently discovered the pinterest button on my blog doesn't take you to me, it takes you to a chick I follow.

One site I really enjoy is a witch's daily and she has not posted anything since February. I'm worried she may be dead. I really hope not. I'm sort of wondering what would happen to my blog if I died suddenly. When I was in the hospital, my email inbox got out of control and it took days upon days for me to sort through it all and reassure people I was still alive. My work email was just as bad which is surprising considering all my co-workers knew I had become diabetic. I am all over the freaking web and I pity the poor soul who has to sort through my computer files. I blog, bank, shop, research, communicate, and pay bills via the 'net. My budget, my journal, ideas, photos, and secrets are all on my computer. And if you sat down at my desk, I'm not sure you'd find my whole life. Should I suddenly stop blogging, you've been great readers and I love you all.

Today has been a rough day for me, my sugar was outrageously high and I felt like crap on toast. I felt so bad I had a very precise thought at work- Maybe our production number will go down and I can leave early. And holy shit, that's exactly what happened. So be careful what you think. And yes, after I took a whopping huge dose of insulin, I finally felt better. When I have bad days I just try to do better the next day. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I do everything I am supposed to do exactly how I am supposed to do it and diabetes still causes me to have a bad day. I live for the cure.

My cousin (a male asshole I don't like) brought my parents sugar-free jelly which they gave to me. I ate my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich in two years. It was very good. I have orange marmalade, fig, and blackberry. Several years ago, before diabetes, I accidentally picked up a jar of sugar-free preserves and it was so god-awful nasty that when I became diabetic I just swore off jelly. The jars from my cousin tastes like the real thing. I asked my mother if he knew I was diabetic, and she said she wasn't sure, she didn't talk to him much during the visit because he's still an asshole.

My other cousin, the lady caught in the middle of the murder-suicide post, is turning 41 next month. I am making her one of my stars in yellow and cream on a background of greens. She is the same age as the asshole, they went to school together for a while, and both are related to me, but not to each other. She doesn't like him either.

Queen now allows me to pet her. I have picked her up a few times. I brought her in the house for an hour last night. She played with both my dogs and they seem to like her. I couldn't catch her tonight. She did bark when she heard me wrestling with Sophie, but she was not liking the idea of being picked up. I guess we'll have to wrestle quieter.

Mr. Dragon being my team leader is working out great. I thought it would be awkward between us, but we get along well and at least once a night, he stops to talk to me. Just ordinary stuff, no deep conversations, but gradually we are learning more about each other. He still teases me, so tonight I snuck up behind him and jabbed his ribs. You might get me, but I will get you back eventually. I am patient and plotting.

Hmmm...

My first attempt at machine embroidery using my sewing machine. It produces a loose, sort of hooked rug effect. Here's a close up in bad light:

I'm thinking it might be better to paint a design, then lightly stitch over. Then the shape/lines/colors would pop, but I wouldn't have to worry about filling so much space. This is just different colored threads in a star I traced with a stencil. I intended to make the whole star rust, but I got bored. Every time boredom overtook me, I changed colors, then outlined the star in lime green which isn't showing up here. A pre-painted design would eliminate the wonkyness you see here. Because this was free-motion, my center lost its shape. I could also try couching, which is when a thick thread or yarn is held in place by stitching over it, generally in a contrasting color. Like this:

It would probably make a nice, thick outline.

Comments? Thoughts? Designs to try?

Silent Sunday- Symbols of Abundance

Well, Of Course if the Title is Something Al Said...

I have discovered a blog I LOVE:
http://fuckyeahitchywitch.tumblr.com/

This blog is wonderful, dark, funny, sexy, twisted, strange, and well, witchy. I mainly love the pictures, especially the altar photos which make me want to wear robes, set up a full ritual under the full moon, then go to the local witchcraft shop to buy more spell bottles than I can afford. The blog is just freakin' huge and it is easy to wander around for hours (yes, I did). I finally clicked on their tumblr button with the intention of just clicking whatever caught my eye, but that was huge too. Just go look. Be enchanted.

The title ( Fuck yeah, Itchy Witch) is from the Rachel Morgan books which I love, and I figure anyone that likes Rachel is bound to be cool. What I like about this blog is both light and dark is presented. Most of it is cool, some made me laugh, and some made me draw back a little. This is witchcraft, warts and all.

It's the Anti-Diabetic Holiday

Easter sucks for diabetics. I can't eat the chocolate bunnies, the jelly beans, the gum drops, the marshmallow chicks, or the Reese's Eggs. I can have all the rainbow-colored hard boiled eggs I want, but what's the point? Who wants to eat that? I want this egg:

There isn't a more diabetic unfriendly holiday except Halloween but that's cool because Halloween has skulls and witches. I just can't get excited about rabbit decorations.

I used to go to church on Easter Sunday. I remember one Sunday we had a guest speaker in our Sunday school class. He was about 20 or so, deeply involved in religious studies, a zealot, and he was determined to make 10 five year-olds know the real Easter story so he described the crucifying in avid detail. I had eaten far too much candy before church. We were all sitting stock still in horrid fascination as he described Jesus' pain. We were feeling a bit guilty about not being good enough for a savior who died for us (or at least I was). He kept telling us about the blood...and the wounds...and I vomited everywhere. I think my teachers were relieved because they whisked us away and pushed the zealot out the door.

I celebrate Spring now. I used to get up early on the morning of the Equinox to make cinnamon rolls. Kevin never did really understand my holidays, but he loved the cooking part. His other favorite was Mabon when I would make a big Thanksgiving type dinner. He also really liked Beltane. I don't cook on that one.

I still decorate a tree or bush in my yard with plastic Easter eggs on the first day of spring, but I haven't really thought of a good food substitute. Warm cinnamon rolls are tough to replace.

If there's a such thing as a sugar-free chocolate Easter bunny please let me know.

I guess Red Beard and I are friends now. He talks to me a lot. He's one of the people who stops by my truck while I am sewing. I never did apologize for not going out with him, but evidently it doesn't matter.

He showed me a text message he got. It said, 'Describe your sex life in one movie title.' He said his was Gone in 60 Seconds and I said, 'Ah. No wonder you're lonely. You can't fuck.'

I should mention now that it is unwise to reveal anything of a personal nature to me because I will have a snarky comment ready. I am a life-long member of the National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support.)

He spent a good bit of time trying to retract that statement, but, alas, too late. The damage is done. I will forever think of him as a minute man.

You can't tell me anything!

Doings and Mutterings

It's off to the post office I go BECAUSE (eeep!) I made an Etsy sale! Goddess bless EmCat, she's my best customer.

HecateDemeter has a post about the most important book you've ever read. I realized the book which had the most influence on me, poetry wise, was this

And I suppose it's just me being weird that a book of prose made me love poetry. Whatever.

Mr. Dragon is doing extra work without receiving the pay. He's frustrated so I decided to help. Mundane help first, I gave him the cell number of the human resources guy. Witchy help second, I sat down with my crystal ball as soon as I got home.

And since I've been working with the ball again, I haven't made anymore sewing mistakes. I'm too lazy to get the camera and show you my progress. Maybe tomorrow.

Queen is still skittish. I haven't petted her again. She still chickens out at the steps. My landlord's wife came over this weekend and 'oohed and aahed' about how cute Queen is. She couldn't pet her either. Queen stayed firmly four feet away. I have never seen a dog so cautious.

I've been taking my pills, sticking to my diet, doing pilates, tending dogs and plants, and cleaning my house. I go to work every day. I try to keep my mouth shut so I won't hurt anyone's feelings. I realized I always fail at being good because it so god-awful fucking boring. All I can do for entertainment is think dirty thoughts. Sigh.

Monday, Monday

I started doing pilates again because I want to be as toned and strong as possible. I debated for a long time about posting this photo. I don't think any woman looks good from this angle. But I decided the hell with it, I weigh 103 and I look damn good for a 35 year old diabetic.

I cleaned my kitchen yesterday. I scrubbed everything, even the hot water heater. Do you have things you don't like, but feel you ought to keep because someone gave it to you or there's nothing wrong with the item, it's just not your style? I discovered a bunch of things like that in my kitchen. I threw away some of it, but there's still a pitcher and some cut glass bowls taking up space. I just can't muster the courage to get rid of them. My aunt gave me the pitcher and the bowls belonged to my granny. I don't use these things but I feel bad about sending them to goodwill. I think I probably got this stuff because my relatives cleaned out their houses, they didn't really care about this stuff, and no one will ever know of I got rid of it...but still. Sigh.

I used to keep most of my tarot cards in this box. My Animal Messages deck wouldn't fit because it's too wide. I thought this box would be perfect for storing the feathers I use for magick. I took my cards out, polished the box, and then- the feathers are too long! I'm not sure what I'll do with this box now because

I have all my decks in here. I bought it at a quilt show. It's a tin made to look like a suitcase, the logos look like travel stickers, and it was full of quilting fabric. I have my guitar picks in there too. I have a lot of issues about how stuff should be arranged and stored.

I stopped using crystal ball magick for a couple of days, and what do you know, I made a whopping huge mistake so now I am picking out stitches. I need to either find a better way to travel with my ball, or get a smaller ball that's easier to carry. I sit in my truck and sew at work. Lots of people stop to see what I'm doing and I just don't want to explain about the crystal ball. My co-workers think I'm strange enough already.

I just read a post at Ancient Road about money magick and how our thoughts about money, whether we think money is good or bad, do we deserve it or not, is the key to getting the money flowing. In other words, negative thoughts equal no money. Start thinking in a positive way and money comes to you.

Shouldn't this be the way EVERYTHING works?

Do you want love? Can you GIVE love? If nothing makes you smile then what happiness can you bring to your soul mate? No wonder you're lonely.

What about that garden? Do you allow growth? When opportunities arises, do you panic and set up road blocks? Never mind about a green thumb, you need to expand your mind.

I have been thinking a great deal about my home. I want my house to be full of magick. When I first started out on the Wiccan path, I was sure I needed all my 'magickal supplies' in some box or cabinet. Now I think I am the magick and everything I touch is magick and my sewing machine is on the same level of awesome magick tools as my crystal ball.

Some people spend their whole lives wondering why certain problems crop up again and again. Because you still haven't learned the lesson, you big dummy. See what is before you. Think about how many times you've seen it before. Now PLEASE do something different. The universe will replay your bane until you get it through your think skull that it is YOUR REACTION that is the problem. The situation is not the issue. You are. How do you handle what comes your way?

Are you plagued with health issues? Do you rejoice in your good health? You have some good health. Everything isn't wrong. A good many parts of your body function just fine or else you'd be dead. Are you happy that you can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel? Or when another cold strikes, do you use it as an excuse to lie around watching television? Stop wallowing in self pity and live your life!

I've been wondering a lot about what kind of person I am. I think about how I want to live. In slow degrees, I realized my house makes me happy. It is not the house itself; it is the pride of having a space that is wholly and truly mine. I am very glad I live in a free country where I get to make my own decisions. I get to decide how much education I can have, what to do with my own money, who I can associate with, and I can make a living in any profession I please. I might not have everything I want, but the only thing holding me back is ME.

Do you operate under your own power?