Still Working On Balance

The Virtual Gold is Working!

So I gave away virtual gold and when I got to work last night I found out more pay is coming! A raise! Yay!

I think I need to hand out more stuff. I will go twitch my nose, see what manifests, and then post something wonderful. Stay tuned!

Some Gold for You

A long, long, long time ago, I read a 'Wicca 101' book in which the author stated that to ensure prosperity in the New Year, some gold, no matter how small, had to pass though your hands.

The idea is that if you can afford to give gold away, then you are wealthy indeed. Like attracts like, so surely more gold will come your way.

In December I can't pass by a Salvation Army bucket without dropping in change. The year gold dollars were issued I was in heaven. Now I have to use silver half dollars and even those are hard to come by. You can tell the economy is in deep shit when you can't get the coin you want at the bank. I don't think banks even ask how you want your money anymore because I have to ask for large bills. And though I can get hundred dollar bills, fifties seem to be non-existent, another bad sign.

Much as I would like to, cannot give each of you a gold coin. I would love to give you each a gold dollar and a prosperity blessing. I'm not that rich, so we'll have to settle for virtual gold. In honor of 2012, I picked a coin with dragons.

May all your needs be met and more.
May you never hunger or thirst.
May you be safe and loved.
May you rise to meet your challenges.
May you achieve your goals.
May you dream much and laugh more.
May you have great happiness in the Year of the Dragon.
Blessed Be.

Sunday in the House of Dragon's Kitchen

I'm cooking red beans and rice. I start everything off in separate pots and gradually it all comes together in the big pot. My rice is brown (less carbs), my red beans came out of a can, and I added sausage because I hate plain ol' boring rice. This is a cheap and easy dinner. It works well with chicken, though I'd swap the beans for tomatoes.

Be sure to check the kitchen witch page tomorrow. I have a good menu this week.

I purchased this little rosemary plant tonight at Kroger. Poor little thing is root-bound. It was also thirsting to death. Tomorrow it gets a bigger pot and a home by the window.

Halona and Sophie pretending to sleep. As soon as I started cutting up sausage, they became VERY attentive.

I forgot to mention my soda can witch and bats. They came from Etsy. Appropriately, they are made from a Monster brand can.

Finally, the pastel ribbons I tied on my cast iron utensils look tired and sad. I think they need to be replaced with crimson, or gold, ribbons and Holly leaves for the upcoming Yule.

Gettin' Pretty Good

Nothing to fix this time.

Achieving Balance

I made this True Lovers' Celtic Knot last night. It's been a while since I made a Celtic knot. Took three attempts before I got the hang of it. I need to restitch a loop. But I had fun and I am going to make more. Looks like a Christmas gift to me.

I decided for the Year of the Dragon, I will make a dragon art quilt. I have a red scrap quilt I never finished, that will be the back. I've worked out the basic design for my 2012 quilt, but I haven't drawn anything yet. I'm thinking a big gold dragon, maybe something to do with elements, red borders, and small quilt blocks in each corner. I'd like to have a block with my birth year, the year 2012, a yin-yang, and a small dragon in the fourth block. I think my main dragon will be Chinese and my small dragon will be Celtic. And maybe green. Or black. Hmm. Anyway, the finished quilt will hang on the blank wall where the bookcases used to be.

I'm also itching to do some tatting. Over the summer I learned the basics, but I am yet to make a completed project. I have long rows of pretty stitches, just like I had long rows of nice chains when I bought a pack of crochet hooks. Wait, I take that back, I did make a scarf for Kevin which he never wore. I don't think an unused project counts as success.

The Post for People Who DON'T Have Diabetes

1. Please stop thinking of me as helpless.
I am a very strong person. Anybody diabetic has to be strong if they want to keep living. I am still a person with feelings, dreams, and fears. I earn a living, I have friends, family, hobbies, interests, and pets. I am capable of making my own decisions about my life.

2. Do not think you are an expert on my illness.
Diabetes was a known illness in ancient Greece. Only in the last 150 years have doctors really learned about the condition and made great strides in treatments. Insulin was not discovered until the 1920's. New information becomes available every day. This means how the disease is treated constantly changes. Once diabetics were forbidden to eat sugar. Now a little bit of sugar is considered alright. What you think you know might be 15 years out of date.

3. Don't tell me what to eat.
I know what I can eat. I know what is not good for me. I know when I can eat and how much. If you see me eating something 'bad' either my sugar has dropped and I need whatever I am consuming, I took enough insulin to cover it, or you're wrong. I have sugar-free candy, low carb pasta, wheat bread, and diet soda. I even have sugar-free syrup. Please do not police every bite of food I eat.

4. My emotions are volatile.
I am especially irritable when my sugar is high. I may hallucinate if my sugar drops too low. I may not be aware of what I am saying. I will not use my sugar as an excuse to be mean if you promise to always treat me with dignity and respect. You know, the way you yourself would like to be treated at all times.

5. DO NOT TELL ME A DIABETIC HORROR STORY.
Don't tell me about your mother-in-law whose sugar went too high and then she was blind afterwards. I already know the effects of diabetes, thank you very much. I understand this disease can cost me my eyes, teeth, internal organs, limbs, and life. There is no need to make me depressed.

6. If I didn't mention it, don't ask.
I think about my sugar 24/7 I do not want to talk about it, particularly not with someone I barely know. And DON'T ask if hurts when I take a shot. Are you dumb enough to think sticking myself with a needle feels good? It's a NEEDLE! You know it hurts.

7. All of my problems are not related to my illness.
Sometimes I just have bad days. Everybody does. I will deal with things the best way I know how.

8. Diabetes may limit what I can do; it doesn't stop me.
Don't ask if I'm 'allowed' to do something. If you see me doing it, I am doing just fine.

9. I'm not about to fall over dead.
So don't freak out because I have a cold or a headache.

10. I won't be offended if you offer to help.
Just like I'm sure you won't be offended if I am in a position to help you.

11. NEVER FORGET: Diabetes is a full time job I didn't ask for, don't want, and can't quit.
There is no cure. My diabetes doesn't 'get better'. I can gain more control. If my condition worsens it DOES NOT mean I am at fault.

12. There are now more diabetics than ever before.
So I urge you to be kind to everyone. You have no idea what a person may be going through.

Upcoming Stuff

I have not one, but TWO days off for Thanksgiving! I may have the weekend as well, but right now that's up in the air. Probably I'll find out Wednesday night. Just a side not- if you ever work for Koreans they do not like to say how long, or when you will work, in advance. I usually don't know when my shift will end until I've worked at least half way through it. This makes it hell to actually plan anything.

I decided the most important thing I needed to do on my holiday is let my dogs run. The cool autumn air is invigorating them. We are going for a long walk no matter what the weather.

The second most important thing is to sew. I haven't decided what kind of sewing, I just know I need to handle a needle to get myself back in balance.

And the third, but certainly not the least important thing, is to create more balance in my life. I have no idea how to do this, nor am I even sure what is unbalanced or missing. But I must become more aware. I think I hear my crystals calling me. I have a whole wooden box of stones on my bookshelf and they want out. I used to work with stones all the time. I know this is a magickal practice I need to revisit.

I found a movie I want to see!
http://myweekwithmarilynmovie.com/
Did I just plan a date before anyone asked me out? Oh well. If no one asks I'll go alone. I haven't been to the movies since my birthday, which was January 7th. I saw 'True Grit' Now I wanted to see True Grit and I liked it, but I picked that movie because of Kevin. It was either True Grit or 'Season of the Witch' and I figured he'd like a John Wayne remake better. Kevin is not a movie person. I shit you not, he fell asleep watching 'The Dukes of Hazaard' During the race, no less. What I really, really wanted to see, and still haven't watched, was 'Black Swan' Perhaps I should be going to the movies with girlfriends.

And if you are feeling extra witchy, things are stirring on this night. As I drove home, I saw a rabbit- in the middle of down town. I also saw three deer, two opossums, and three very big spiders having a meeting on my porch. Something is coming.

Finally, 2012 is The Year of the Dragon. The last time we had a dragon year was 2000. I love dragon years, good things happen to me and everything seems to go my way. I was born in the year of dragon. I thought I was born in the year of the snake. I hated being a snake. I just knew I was a dragon. Finally I discovered the Chinese New Year begins in February. So even though I was born in 1977, I caught the dragon by the tail. I was born during a fire dragon year. 1988 was earth, 2000 was metal, 2012 is water, and 2024 will be wood, bringing the dragon through all the elements. Because I love dragons and work with them all the time in my magick, I want to do something very special for 2012. I haven't decided exactly what, but I know with dragons by my side it will be unforgettable.

Monday Menu- A New Page

I decided to put Monday Menus on their own page, entitled Kitchen Witchery. This way no one has to dig thru older posts. I will add to the page each week BUT if I feel things are getting too crowded, I will delete old menus to make room for new ones. I'll also have some general kitchen witch stuff, not exactly spells, more along the lines of tips, hints, and how I do things.

Behold- I Have De-Homed Spiders & Created Sacred Space

The urge to nest kicked in last week. Suddenly my bookcases were on the wrong wall. I didn't really want to move them (lots of work) but I was seriously bothered by it. I tried to talk myself out of it, after all, not long ago I cleaned all three. But I knew it HAD to be done. I spent days imaging how it would look. I mentally reordered all my furniture a few hundred times. Finally on Thursday I decided to just start moving stuff and see how it turned out. Here's the 'short wall' before:

My sideboard, my grandmother's wine glasses (and ice bucket, wine dripper, and candy dish), a few family pics, and my rolling pin collection. My Mexican cloth (okay, I don't remember the proper name) hung as art above.

This is what a kitchen witch's library should look like. The bookshelves are in their own defined space and it feels separate from the rest of the room. There was about 5,000 cobwebs behind the shelves. So much for 'but I just cleaned.' I even managed to show off my rolling pin collection. I put the heavy pins and the glass ones in the wine rack, then hung the ones that could stand a little abuse on the wall (just in case they fall. I don't want to step on glass or have marble smack my foot) I now have room to add to my collection- I can keep going up the wall.

I forgot to take a before pic of the dinning room table. I think my Mexican cloth makes it cheerful. If I ever get to design my dream kitchen, I'm going to have bright yellow walls, exposed wooden beams, stone tile, and unpainted oak cabinets. And a big stone fireplace, too.

I have a blank wall where the books used to be. I was going to center my mirror until I remembered it was a lot of trouble for Kevin to hang it because it is so heavy. I decided it would be safer for my head if the mirror did not relocate. Since I have more wall space now, I want to make an art quilt. It has been a long time since I made a quilt for me and not to sell.

The sideboard moved in front of the window. Here's the before:

This is my big red dragon. I bought him at the local metaphysical shop. He's hand-made and he's meant to be art, but I turned him into a curtain. He makes the living room a little dark, but he looks very impressive as I walk in.

Now my dragon is crouched in the corner so my aloe plants can get some light. In the spring I'll either have to take him down or take the plants outside so I can use the air conditioning unit.

I started moving things on Thursday. I have cleaned and cleansed. I swept, dusted, and mopped. I burned candles and incense. I swept the room with my witch broom (which has a completely different function from my mundane broom) I felt the need to get energy moving. Today, my landlady told me several homes have been robbed. Ah. Now I know why my nesting instinct kicked in. It is time to renew my protection spells. I was going to make my house invisible, but as I am diabetic, that would be exceedingly foolish if I needed an ambulance and the EMT's couldn't find my house. So I set a dragon on guard instead.

Ordinarily, this is a crime-free town. Two years ago, we had a problem with 3 individuals breaking into homes. They terrorized people for almost two months. Then they broke into the wrong house. A retired marine lived next door and when he saw them burglarizing the neighbor's house he started having flash backs of combat. The marine punched one so hard he broke his teeth. Evidently these new thieves don't know there's a crazy veteran on the look-out for criminal ass to stomp.

Can I Seduce You?

There's a scene in Memoirs of a Geisha where she makes some poor boy crash his bicycle just by looking at him. Her mentor declares she is ready to be a geisha.

I used to be able to do things along that line. I don't know what happened to me.

I suppose I lost my abilities when I decided to be exclusively with Kevin. And because he was jealous and possessive of me, I stopped flirting. I stopped talking to men all together so I wouldn't get in trouble. I don't think I own any sexy clothes now. I only recently started wearing perfume again. I rarely paint my nails. Sadly, I don't have a single pair of stockings.

Sigh.

I'm not sure I can talk at all anymore. I used to be quick witted and sassy. Now I answer vaguely in monosyllables.

I can still write, I wrote A LOT of notes to Mr. Dragon. He didn't write me back.

Once, I was young, fast, bold, and a little mean. I wrote poetry. I talked dirty to my boyfriends. I was adventurous in bed and a little hard to handle. I posed nude for photos once. I read romance novels and Cosmopolitan magazine in hopes of finding something I hadn't tried.

Now I stand outside in the cold waiting for Mr. Eyes' shift to end. Every day, I tell myself I am going to ask him if he's single. Every freakin' day I stand outside in the cold dark night pretending to use my phone while I wait. Every day he walks out and I don't say a goddamn word.

Mostly he speaks. I have a monosyllable ready. I smile. He smiles. Then he's gone. I look really stupid. I am chilled and don't want to keep standing outside. I have no reason to walk back to my truck. I don't want to sit in the break room alone. There's too much time left on my lunch break to go back to the line, and I can only hang out in the bathroom for so long.

See how pathetic I am? I keep kicking myself. I tell myself it will only get colder. I don't want to invest too much more time in this for fear he will say he has someone. Wasting a few nights to be disappointed isn't too bad. Wasting weeks is just dumb. Say something already!

Part of me wonders why he doesn't say something. He seems interested. Maybe I'm imagining things. I can't write a note because that didn't go well with Mr. Dragon. I can't repeat the same tactic. Nene is exasperated with me. 'Just get his number!'

Where did my 19 year old self go? I need her right now. She'd get his number, email address, and shoe size so she could estimate the size of his pecker.

Another reason I can't keep standing in front of the building is The Player, the one who asked me out. Whenever he sees me loitering, he runs over to talk. Tonight I was leaning against the wall and I heard the door slam. Ah, must be Mr. Eyes. I turned my head just as the Player pressed his whole body against me. 'What's up, Baby Girl!' Oooh nooooooo. No, no, no. I took three steps back. Now that I think about it, 19 year old me was really good at rejecting losers. I think I lost that skill as well. This is mighty depressing.

I don't have much of a chance to talk to Mr. Eyes. We are on different shifts. He leaves in the middle of my lunch. We are on opposite sides of the building in completely different departments. I have no reason to go over there. I have been racking my brain and the only solution I can see is to talk to him before he leaves the parking lot, and to somehow let him know I find him attractive without making a complete ass of myself.

Do you know how hard that is to do in a monosyllable?

I don't know why my tongue won't work. I'm afraid other things might not work anymore either. Do I still know how to kiss? If I can't talk to a man, how exactly am I going to get one in bed? Am I still adventurous, or would I lie huddled under the sheets? What do people do on dates? I can't even think of where I would like to go. I don't know what's playing at the movies, I haven't been in a bar in YEARS, and being that I am now diabetic, going out to eat is an ordeal I'd rather avoid. Please tell me there's activity left other than bowling and miniature golf.

Maybe if I practice stringing syllables together this weekend I'd have a few nice words by Monday. Goddess help me.

Mighty Hecate, Make It Right

Tonight (or yesterday as most of my readers are sleeping as I write) was Hecate's Night. I left Her an offering, a key as a present, and treats for Her dogs at a three-way crossroads.

Hecate is a bundle of contradictions.

She's a Dark Goddess.

She's a Lunar Goddess.

She is considered an Old Woman.

But She's also a Beautiful Woman and the Goddess of Sex

And She's the Goddess of Witches, Magic, and Death.

Hecate was the only Titan to retain Her powers after Zeus became king of the Gods.That means Her mythology is one of the oldest in the world and She is so powerful Her story gets woven into new cultures and beliefs.

Dogs are the only animals that can see Her and they howl whenever She is near. This may be one reason why I like Her, I am so not a cat person. I'm not all sunshine and rainbows either. Sometimes I'm a little hard to define. I don't think anyone can completely define Hecate. She's all mystery and possibility. That's why She's the Goddess of the Crossroad- She can go anywhere.

I like Hecate. I like that She's powerful, strong, wise, alluring, crafty, bold, gritty, raw, and awe inspiring. Whenever Hecate is involved, all the portals open and magick comes in a flood.



State of Mind is EVERYTHING

Before heading off to work today, I decided I would be more friendly towards men. I will not reject them all for being imperfect. I will be nice. I will find out if he is nice. And then we'll go from there.

The Gent who opens doors for me sat down and we had a whole conversation. I was astounded. Before he was too nervous to look me in the eye. Two of the Gent's buddies also spoke to me. Neither are very talkative.

Mr. Dragon was even attentive. I'm shocked, I tell you.

As far as I can tell, I didn't do anything any different other than deciding beforehand to be nice. I didn't approach any of these guys. I didn't change my routine. I didn't wear a different perfume or use another kind of soap. My clothes were the same. I just decided to be a little more open-minded and it seems to be luring them in. I still haven't found one I'd like to take home, but it's a big factory and I haven't met all the men yet.

The only thing that didn't really go my way was Mr. Eyes. I decided I should just flat out ask if he is married. I never did get a chance to speak to him, but he was way more visible than normal. I don't know, maybe he's draw to my new mindset, too.

And on the way home, I saw about three times as many patrol cars as I usually do. I like a man in uniform. Maybe I should have exceeded the speed limit.

Monday Menu, Fearful Dreams, & a Substance Abuse Problem

We'll talk about my problem first, because I know you are just wild to find out what I crave above all else.

Diet Coke.

I call it Happiness in a Silver Can. I am completely out right now. There is NONE at my house and I am going CRAZY! I keep telling myself Diet Coke is Not Good and I should stop drinking it. I remind myself that it is bad for my skin and if I drink too much it hurts my stomach. But OMG, I'd kill for a Diet Coke right now and as soon as I finish this post I will be heading out to buy a case. Or two cases.

And maybe it was my craving that spurred last night's dream, or maybe it was the darker content I was reading before bed. I dreamed I owned an occult shop. For some reason, I had to start providing hexes and curses for my customers. I started off with a partner, but she left and I had to do all the work myself. I divided my shop in half, with the 'darker' business kept behind a curtain, and I was so freaked out the whole time because I thought people would blame me every time something went wrong. I was also terrified of offending spirits. I had candles burning as offerings all the time and every time a client asked for a curse, I tried to talk them out of it. The police were lurking about, too and everybody from my friends to my parents to my co-workers were questioning my motives. It was nerve-wracking and I was relieved when I woke up.

The dream is still bothering me a bit, so I'm going to move on to a mundane subject- Monday Menu.

I only had Sunday off. I was supposed to work 8 hours Saturday night, but at the last minute the company stretched the shift to 10 hours. I really hate working Saturdays because I am already tired from working the previous 5 days. When I leave work on Sunday morning, I am exhausted, thus I sleep all day. So there goes my Sunday. On Monday I am confused because it feels like Sunday to me, but I have to go to work, so really I don't have a day off. If you get every weekend off you are a lucky bastard and I am so envious of you.

Since I my time was cut short I haven't cooked much. I did put some food together. This week I am having Beef Chow Mien (from a can, so don't be impressed), Nachos (I put everything in a pie pan and store in the fridge until I'm hungry. It's almost an instant meal.), tuna salad, and I also plan on having grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup because when I cleaned out the cabinets last week I found three cans of soup. Eat what you've got.

Other things going on around the House of Dragon-
The leaves are still falling, covering the ground I just raked. I am very tempted to call the Winds to blow the rest off the trees so I can be done with my yard work.

I've been designing fabric. I designed one 'stand alone' and I am now working on a fabric line. I have no scanner, so I am yet to publish my designs. Whenever I get another day off, I'll head to the library. I think if I have several designs to scan it will be a worthwhile trip.

I've also been quilting. By hand. Normally I need to have my head straight before I can sew, but the hand stitching is very soothing. Maybe I should sew a little bit every day to settle my nerves.

And finally, the cards have been trying to tell me something. Yesterday it finally sunk into my thick skull. I keep getting one card over and over- the King of Hearts. This card has a unicorn standing in front of a stained glass window depicting a rearing unicorn. The window is beautiful. The unicorn is, I think, okay. Not great, just okay. It finally occurred to me that I am searching for something unattainable. I can't have an ideal mate, no one is perfect. Maybe I am over-looking a good man because I want the fairy tale prince. Maybe the regular guy is more like a prince than I realize. There is a man I keep bumping into. Saturday he tried to talk to me. I didn't say much. Maybe I should have.

Silent Sunday- Starry Sky

How Cool Is This?!

http://www.spoonflower.com/welcome

Ideal. Just perfect!

This is a website that allows you to design your own fabric. I love it. I signed up immediately and I rarely do things like that, I usually have to think things over for a while. Right now I'm thinking up new designs!

Foto Friday- Veterans Day

I Think the Next Design Will Have Foxes

I just listed this embroidery design in my Etsy shop. It's called 'Abundance' I waited for the full moon to list it. I think I will try to add new items on moon phases, just for a little magickal kick.

I celebrated the full moon last night when I got off work. I made a list of everything I wanted to do and I am very proud of myself, Abundance was the last item on my list! I drew down the moon, did one spell, and tried to scry with my mirror, but that didn't go very well. I haven't scried in a long time. I think with practice I'll do better.

Earlier this year, I wanted to journal my experiences with each moon. Every full moon has a different energy to it. My esbats fell to the wayside. Mundane life gets in the way. For me, things work best when I plan for the overall event, but let the small details work themselves out. I used to do rituals with another witch and while I liked the connecting and spellwork part of it, I hated writing rituals. I hated trying to figure out what tools we would need, packing it all up, calling watchtowers, casting the circle, then having to remember to reverse it all at the end- I get tired just remembering it. We did it that way because we thought that's how it had to be done.

What most witches don't realize is every element you add to a spell, be it a god or a watchtower or a totem animal, that item represents an energy. All your energies must meld in harmony. The more you've got, the more you meld. It's like cooking- too many ingredients ruin the taste of the dish. Can you picture elementals, animals, dragons, angels, and goddesses all at the same time, all doing the same thing? If you can't keep track of every thing you called, why did you call it? Know what you're doing and why, don't do it because some book said so.

I hope this full moon brings good fortune to you all. One of the names for this moon is Apple Moon. Think of the sweetness (or sharp if you like green apples!) in life. Now is the time for harvest. What rewards will come your way? This is also a time of reflection- think about how events played out and what you learned. What would you like to see at the next full moon?

Ask (Or Post) & You Shall Recieve

Since posting about The Worm, I haven't seen him. He's not on a line, driving the fork lift, or lurking about. He simply vanished.

Ah! How lovely!

The Yard Looks Nice

I've still got a lot of raking to do.

This is my iris bed. Irises are for wisdom. They are very hardy and don't need to be covered, but I think it looks nice, like the flowers are snuggled in bed for the winter.

Halona and Sophie on high alert in the dog pen. I wanted a pic of them in their leaf bed, but they refused to cooperate. Yesterday, I raked up all the leaves in the pen and today it appears I haven't raked in a week.

My Confederate Rose is blooming. The blooms are beautiful, but they don't last very long. I'll have to cut it back soon.

Each day this week, I go out and work in the yard. It's very pleasant. The weather is nice and I feel like I'm doing something meaningful. Tomorrow I'll be working on the front yard.

Kitchen Work, But No Menu

I haven't had time to do a menu yet. I've been really busy fall cleaning my kitchen. I cleaned out my cabinets, tossed items I don't use, and I scrubbed all my cast iron cookware so I could re season it. I intended to season my skillets this morning, but that didn't quite go as planned because I woke up very early with a low sugar and after I took care of it, I went back to sleep. Low sugars make me really tired. When I got up the second time, I decided I couldn't put off working in the dog pen any longer. I've been piling up leaves so the dogs will have a warm place while I am at work. While I was outside, I also started tending my trees- fall is a great time to transplant, prune limbs, and fertilize. I took down the Halloween decorations which I think is the saddest thing on earth. All my poor skeletons packed away, and my walls look bare and boring without leering skulls. I'll be sad again when I take down my Christmas lights. Maybe I just need year-round decorations. I should just keep a skeleton on the porch and place a Santa hat on his head every December. In the spring he could have butterflies and in the summer he could hold sunflowers.

Silent Sunday- Pancho Barnes (I hope you google her!)

It's the Question I Didn't Think to Ask

And, therefore, let the immeasurable come.


Let the unknowable touch the buckle of my spine.
Let the wind turn in the trees,
and the mystery hidden in the dirt

swing through the air.
How could I look at anything in this world
and tremble, and grip my hands over my heart?
What should I fear?
 
 
This is a bit of poetry by Mary Oliver and I found it on HecateDemeter's blog (http://hecatedemeter.wordpress.com/) Hecate always posts something profound and I wish I was half as good a writer as she is. She also seems to be an amazing witch and I credit her for my connection to where I live. I might not be as interested in ley lines if she hadn't blogged about being 'the witch of this place.'
 
I really like poetry. I don't read it as often as I should because first, good poetry is hard to find. Let me assure you, just because it rhymes doesn't mean it's a poem. Great poetry is a true rarity. Second, I believe poetry should be shared and I have no one to share it with. I have a degree in English and it sucks to be the only literate person in the room. No one understands what I am talking about. Nobody gets my literary references or my puns. I mentioned Rosenblatt's Reader Response Theory at a dinner party and everybody just stared at me like I was speaking Latin. There's no need to keep talking if you're the only one paying attention. This is the one thing I miss about college- like minds.
 
When I find poems on blogs I get happy. When I find poetry that asks questions which move me to the point that I must copy the lines down for further reflection, I get excited. I have found great poetry that makes me THINK.
 
And I have to think about what I fear. What could be the worst thing ever? I don't fear rats or snakes. I don't fear death. I fear the things that make me sad, but I don't fear despair. What I fear is nothing. Not that I am fearless, but that I may come to realize my existence was meaningless. What if all that ever mattered to me mattered not?
 
What if I wasted my whole life? What if I utterly missed the point? What if I had been given chance after chance and I was so focused on trivial things that I didn't even know something grand was right in front of me? How sad is that?
 
When I die, I don't want to wonder in my final moments if I loved enough or if I freely gave my heart to someone. I want to know I touched someone's life and made them happy. I want to know that I mattered to someone. I don't care if I was a 'success' at anything, I want to know that I always took a chance and that I was always myself, true to what I believed in and that I never compromised my core values to fit in. I hope at my funeral someone clearly says with conviction that I was unique.
 
Let the unknowable touch the buckle of my spine.
 
To me a waste would be unaware of the unknowable. I don't care if I never understand it, I want to feel that power and mystery throb in my soul. This is why I am a witch. After I see there is more, I can't unsee it. I can't close my mind after it opens. I can't ignore what is larger than my reality. I want to touch the unknowable so life will be weird and interesting. I can't pretend life is sure and safe. I accept all things must change and some times I throw open the door to invite change in when I should lock the door and hide the key.
 
I have to be a witch because I like it when the cards jump out on their own. I like pulling into a crowded parking lot and having a space open in front of me. I like thinking about a song then hearing it on the radio. I like feeling deja vu then realizing I dreamed this already. I like it when animals appear to bring me messages. I like it when spells work. I like gaining insight from an astrology chart. I like good luck charms and I don't care that all these things are small things easily explained away, to me they are all part of the larger unknowable. Life would be very sad if no one believed in dragons. I couldn't live without a crystal ball. I can't stop being a witch because then I would cease to exist.
 
I have to be the witch of this place. That's not an easy thing to do. Sometimes it would be easier to not know about a problem because after I know, I feel compelled to act. My actions can get me in all sorts of trouble. Maybe if I did nothing life would be a little easier, but my heart would be heavy. It's hard to live life with a heavy heart.
 
I don't know what comes next. Isn't that great?

The Good, the Bad, & the Freakazoid Ugly

I thought I found a nice man. He has the most vividly intense blue eyes I have ever seen. He smiles at me, he seems nice, and he's not bad looking at all. Then, on Halloween night, I saw him drive away in a mini van. Can you think of any good reason why a single man would have a mini van? Me either. So damn, I have to cross him off my list. Sigh.

That was Mr. Eyes. It seems to me every time I mention a man on this blog, I manage to run him off. So let me mention The Worm.

Oh, ick.

He looks wormy. He's about 45, with longish unbrushed hair, unhealthily ashen skin, and his jeans are too short, revealing his knobby ankles. Being that he's rather short, I would think his clothes would be on the long side, but evidently he shops in the juniors department.

His appearance is revolting enough. But he has developed a fascination with me.

I first saw The Worm several months ago. It was during lunch break. I had a low sugar and I didn't feel well at all. I had also just had an argument with Kevin on the phone. Work wasn't going well. I was tired, stressed out, and sick. I was heading back in when the Worm stepped in front of me (which I thought was really rude) and he shouted at me to smile.

I hate it when random strangers comment on my facial expressions. Let me tell you, it's none of your business how I feel. If I am not smiling, either a.) I have something on my mind and I am unwilling to discuss it with you or b.) I don't like you. In either case, mind your own business and keep your comments to yourself.

I walked off without saying anything. It was too much to explain anyway and I don't share with random people. I barely tell my concerns to people I know because I don't want to bother anybody. The Worm said something about me being rude. That should have been the end of it.

But it wasn't, because he made it his mission in life to get me to talk to him. The Worm was suddenly everywhere in the plant that I went, save for the bathroom. I started lingering in the stalls just to get some peace. When you are hiding from a man in the ladies' room, the man's behavior is at stalker level.

One night, Mr. Dragon brought The Worm over to my line and oh the horror, put him to work right beside me. I begged Mr. Dragon to move him. I told him The Worm was a pervert. Mr. Dragon said there wasn't anywhere else for The Worm to go. Please! Move him! Finally he said in an hour he was going to start another job and he'd take The Worm with him. Oh, thank god!

But the team leader brought Andre over to help Mr. Dragon because Andre already knew the job. And Mr. Dragon didn't say anything. Fuck.

That was the longest shift I ever worked. The Worm whined constantly. He asked question after question, starting with my name. I choked out, 'Free.'  I almost said, 'It's Ms. Dragon to you' but if I had said that then he would have just asked someone on the line what my name was and of course they would have replied, 'Why, that's Free Dragon' and then the wormy little fucker would know two of my names and I believe the less he knows the better. If I had thought about it a little more, I would have made up a name, something radically different from my own.

The Worm whined and stared. He tried to pry into my life. He kept moving things around on the table which irritated me to no end because every time I reached for something it was in the wrong place. I got tired of him constantly fiddling with objects so I snapped his head off. The Worm was so offended he turned his back to me. Which I thought was just fabulous.

Unfortunately, it didn't last. He'd ignore me for a half hour or so, then he'd start with the questions again. Why wouldn't I talk to him? I'd snap his head off again and he'd turn around in a huff. Peace for about 45 minutes, then oh, what  did he do?

I thought the shift would never end.

I haven't had to work with The Worm since, but now he has a new tactic- he approaches me when I am talking to someone else and tries to start a conversation. I don't say anything. He then turns to the other person and tells them how mean I am. So far, every time he's done this, the other person looks at him like he's stupid. But being that he really is stupid, he doesn't notice. I usually walk away and as I leave, I hear The Worm quizzing the other person for information about me. I am really glad no one at work knows where I live.

In case you're wondering why I don't just hex him, I tend to forget about The Worm until he's standing in front of me. Then I think, Gross.

Part of the problem is men and women hunt for mates in completely different ways. A woman who is man hunting has a list. She checks potential candidates against the qualities she desires and if the man doesn't measure up, she crosses him off her list and moves on. A man who is woman hunting has a very simple strategy- wear her down until she gives in. It is for this reason I am trying to pretend that The Worm doesn't exist. I don't hear anybody talking and I sure as hell don't see anyone in front of me. Because if I get mad he has my attention and if he has my attention then another man doesn't.

Stupid, nasty, little worm.

Those Cards Jumped Out On Their Own

Today I did a reading for myself. I always shuffle the cards until some fall out. These are the things I need to know about the most. I did my thing and put my cards away. I got ready for work. When I came back in the living room, three cards were laying on the sofa exactly where I had been sitting. I know I picked up all the cards. I know I didn't leave any behind. I know they didn't fall out as I put the deck back in the box. And I know damn good and well they weren't already laying in the spot or I would have sat on them.

Neatly in a row was the six of spades, a joker (urgh), and the 1 of hearts. I take this to mean I am about to be on a very wild ride, there will be much chaos, but finally I get a well matched mate. It's the joker that worries me the most. I seriously hate that card because every time it shows up weird, wild, and strange problems occur. To make it worse, there is not one, not two, but THREE of those demented clowns in the deck. Just look at him. He's a sick S.O.B.

Of late, I have also gotten quite a few Dark Ladies-

I like the last two best. I think the Dark Ladies are about introspection and knowing exactly what I want so I can get it. Spades are swords. Swords can either be ruled by fire, as they must be forged, or air, as they cleave though the air to cut away the unwanted. I usually think of swords as being fiery, but in this deck I feel spades are air- cold, dark, and unyielding. This is a heavy air, difficult to manage, like a broadsword.

The spades of this deck are where the Grim Reapers reside. When I first got these cards, I didn't like the suit of spades at first. I thought they didn't fit in with the rest of the deck at all.

There is only one dragon in the suit of spades, and he is held in thrall by a Dark Lady. No, these are not swords of fire.

So you may be wondering how the man hunting is going. If I was just hunting for ANY man, I would be having great luck. I've been asked out (turned him down, I think he's a player), three are flirting with me (one is way too young, one is way too old, and the other is just too strange), and now I've got one who jumps up to open doors for me (too young, too fat, and ugly). Mr. Dragon is still watching me. Kevin wants to come over. My friend thinks I am being too picky. I think I am better off waiting for Someone Interesting.

We'll see.

BTW- I have mentioned this before in another post, but my cards feature art by Anne Stokes.
http://www.annestokes.com/

The Only Way I Can Be With You Is In My Dreams

First- I CAN SEE AGAIN! WooHoo! My eyeball is a nice cool white instead of a painful burning pink.

Bad news- overtime! :( I worked an hour over tonight and supposedly I will be working over every night this week including Saturday. Aaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! Maybe I should go rip that money spell off my fridge. Anyway, instead of making one long post, I'm going to do some short ones. I wanted to talk about my cards, but that requires getting the camera and all, so here's my dreams instead:

I have a reoccurring dream about Mr. Dragon. Elements of the dream change each time, but two things are always the same- first, we are at work. It's not actual work, and it's not the same job, but always I am in a very large place, I am with people I do not know but who are familiar to me, and I am searching for pieces/things to relocate with other like objects. The second thing that is always the same is Mr. Dragon is watching me. Usually he lights a cigarette, sits downs in some vantage point that allows him to see the whole wide area, and he doesn't work, he watches me. Most of the time I know he is watching and I go on about my business, but in some of the dreams I am busy working and I round a corner and boom- there he is just smoking and watching me. I will realize he has been able to see everything I did. I will think about talking to him, but I have nothing to say. Sometimes he says a few words, nothing important, just something in passing and then I go back to work but I feel a little odd because I know he's still watching. No one ever says anything about him not working, but everyone else in the dream is always busy with some task. It's almost as if his job is me. But I'm not sure what he's looking for or waiting for me to do. Last night's dream had a new twist- Kevin. He asked me to dance. Before I could answer, he said we should go to the river and dance on the bank. I couldn't leave because I was still at work so we agreed to meet after.

Kevin has never once asked me to dance. I don't think he knows how. I think the whole problem here, is I don't know what Mr. Dragon is doing. I DO know he DOES watch me in real life- though I'm pretty sure he doesn't ignore his job to do it. Mr. Dragon is just as confusing in my dreams as he is in life and I don't want to be confused. I like a straight-forward, honest man. I think like in my dream, I should just continue on with what I am doing. Either he'll get tired of watching me and he'll stop, or he'll finally have something to say. And maybe I am thinking Kevin was a little nicer than he actually is. Maybe part of me wishes we were still together so I wouldn't come home to an empty house. I just got to remember, the man doesn't dance, there's a limit to his thoughtfulness, I'm the romantic one, and I always had to beg him to carry me to the river. I doubt things are any better the second time around.