Wednesday, March 16, 2011


It all started with a completely innocent question, the same question I ask most nights:

You want to let the dogs out one more time?

Oh, stupid me.

Kevin let the dogs out. I went to bed. In a few minutes, I heard him call Sophie. Then he called me. Before I got out of bed, Kevin was charging into the bedroom saying, 'You deal with it.'

There's not much Kevin doesn't deal with. I was trying to think of what nasty thing the dogs had dragged up. I was picturing a decomposed possum, with crawling maggots and exposed entrails.

I didn't get into the living room before the STENCH hit me.


I came back into the bedroom with both hands over my face. I gasped out, 'They have to sleep in the pen!' And then we were just staring at each other because neither of us wanted to go into the kitchen, but the longer we delayed the worse it would be.

Cough, choke, wheeze.

Sophie and Charlene attacked a skunk. Halona wisely didn't mess with it. Sophie got sprayed in the face. Charlene was just too close. Sophie and Charlene were in the house less than a minute, but we smelled skunk ALL NIGHT. Kevin said, 'Where's the Frebreeze?'

'What do you want me to do, spray the whole house?'


I sprayed Lysol. Nothing. I sprayed Frebreeze. Nothing. I lit THREE sticks of incense (all burning at the same time) and NOTHING would cover the smell. The incense only worked when I stood over it inhaling smoke. As soon as I walked away- Ack! When I was in Kroger something told me to buy incense and I ignored the voice because I had nearly a full pack. Now I wish I had gotten as much incense as I could afford and lit five or six sticks in every room.

I opened the doors and turned on all the ceiling fans but it didn't seem to help. Then the heater kicked on so I had to close the doors. The stink lingered all night. I slept with my head under the covers. Every once in a while, the covers would slide off and I would be assailed by the musty, chemical odor that seemed to hang in my throat. I slept very badly because Sophie wanted in. She barked non-stop. Then the coyotes started howling and BOTH dogs barked in terror. I banged on the window, woke Kevin up, and he said he was dreaming of skunks. Sigh.

I will be washing dogs all day. I should have started last night, but I just couldn't go out in the dark to bath skunky dogs. I think I should probably mop the kitchen too.

Here's some facts about skunks-

A skunk can be smelled from ONE MILE away.

Skunks can spray 15 fifteen feet.

Skunks are rare in Tallapoosa County (yeah, right)

Some people have the skunk's anal glands removed and keep the skunk as a pet. (Idiot)

The skunk's spray is defense against predators like bears. Bears stink. And the bear thinks the skunk stinks. Hoo-boy.

There are 3 warning stages. First, the skunk stamps its feet. Second, it turns around. Third, it looks over its shoulder. This is to line up the shot. That's right, it can aim its ass in any direction.

Some people swear tomato juice gets rid of the odor. Other people think you'd be better off keeping the tomato juice for the vodka so you can drink yourself out of misery. I don't know how much it would take to make me forget the stink of skunk, but I'm sure I'd need more than one bottle of Absolute.

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