Monday, February 14, 2011

'Round and 'Round the Pumpkin We Go

Kevin tends to work out his thoughts/feelings as he talks about them. So he has been switching sides a good bit. Stay, go, stick it them, find a job you like, stay until you find something, go, stick it...he's a little worried that if I start a new job I'll start a whole new life. He doesn't want me to meet someone else and leave him. Kevin is the only thing in my life that is exactly right, I love him very much, and I would never abandon him. He knows all this, but he still has that fear in the back of his mind.

I cleaned out my office yesterday, but I kept my keys in case I need to go back. I couldn't stand the thought of my boss going through my things. If I go back I probably won't stay, so it needed to be done. I still have to turn in uniforms, so I would have to come in after I quit anyway. If I go. I ran into the shipping manager while I was at work yesterday and he told me I should talk to the CEO and things will work out in my favor. He said he would stand behind me. I really, really appreciate the offer. But I just want to be done. I don't want to talk things out. I don't want to go to more meetings.

But I also hate job hunting. I loathe interviews. It would be very easy to go back and avoid my fears. But then I'm shooting myself in the foot.

This is what I have been doing-
1. Adding to my Etsy shop.
2. Making things for my shop. I dyed fabric yesterday.
3. Rereading The Everything Resume Book and making lists to companies to apply to.
4. I drafted an email to the CEO. I what to read my notebooks in order to remember all the points I wanted to make and I discovered I don't have two years worth of documented bullshit, I have THREE years.
5. Thinking hard about the life I want to live. The last thing I want to do is end up in another dead-end job at a company that rarely promotes women.
6. Thinking if a job sort of related to my desired field is enough. For example I like to sew and I have a BA in English. Maybe I could write for a sewing magazine.
7. I've never really had a professional sewing job where stitching was my job all day every day. My degree is not in textiles. Does mean I am not qualified enough? Is this just a fear holding me back?
8. How much money do I really need? Can I work part-time at a 'regular' job and devote several days a week to sewing?
9. What about insurance?
10. Kevin said when we get married he wants me to stay home. How much longer will I be working? Right now we need two incomes.

And round and round and round....

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