Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Still Questioning

I am hard at work on my new year's resolutions and I've already checked a few things off my list. But in some places I seem to be stuck, like my work goals. That page doesn't have any marks. This depresses me.

I might be just a tad over-achieving (Capricorn, after all) so sometimes if things are going quickly I decide I can do much better and I add to my list. This has been the case my with sewing goals.

The house goals are going at what I would call a more regulated pace because most of what I want for the house must be bought so I have to wait until I have money. Can't rush anything there.

The garden goals are also kaput, but it's grey, ugly November so I've forgiven myself.

Part of the problem here is I'm not really a work-in-progress person. I'm a do it now or don't do it at all type. I have to keep reminding myself to read over my lists and see what I can do each day. Some days I don't see how anything can be done and that's depressing. It's strange for me analyze my thoughts; I just realized that I don't linger over things- when I'm done, I'm done. But on the other hand, I don't rush into anything. I like to have all my facts. I need a plan. I will work until I'm done and then I am done. I'm not sure if this is a childhood reaction- my mother will talk a subject to death but rarely take any action. My father makes plans, but he often discouraged by small things. Like my mother's negative comments.

At work today I cleaned out my filing cabinet. I tossed outdated files and manuals. I relabeled folders. I organized it a bit better. Then I cleaned out my big cabinet. None of this was on my work goals list. This makes me wonder if I was just avoiding issues.

Each new year I learn more about myself. With every resolution I make, I feel as if I'm organizing my mind and soul. But I also have a lot of questions and in some ways becoming a better me leaves me feeling a little lost.

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