Never Leave Your Plate Unattended & Other Things I've Learned From My Labs

Every morning the alarm goes off and I wobble to the bathroom on ankles that don't want to function properly. From the bathroom I head to the kitchen where I am greeted by Halona jumping up and down and growling. That growl means, She's awake! We can go out and pee! We can smell things! She's going to FEED us! Hurry up!

I climb over the baby gate, unlock the door, and let the dogs out. Sometimes if I don't unlock the door fast enough they push me down in their rush to go out. I start the coffee, put the food bowls down, then take my insulin. All this takes mere seconds. Maybe a minute at the most, because I fill the bowls and ready the coffee pot at night before bed. Before I've drawn up the insulin I hear the pounding of paws on the steps. The dogs are hungry and they want back in.

Both dogs inhale their breakfast. Seriously, it's like chomp, chomp, burp. Then they lay around until I put them in the pen. Getting both dogs in the pen is tricky. I try to bribe them with treats. But if they spot a squirrel it is on. I hate squirrels, they make me late to work.

If I'm off, the dogs lay around the kitchen until I let them out again. This morning when Kevin left for work he let the dogs in the bedroom. Getting to sleep on the bed is huge treat for the dogs. If I let them have run of the house they will stay on the bed all day. I'll go back there and say, 'Y'all getting up?' They will open one eye, decided I don't have any food, and go back to sleep.

This morning I got up around 7. Halona was licking a brownish spot on the comforter. At first I thought she was in heat, then I realized I got her fixed. She looked guilty. Gradually my sleep addled brain figured out what is brown and comes out the backside.

I'm just assuming my dogs are so eager to eat they don't take the time to poo, even when their bowels obviously can't hold it in. I guess tomorrow morning I'll have to stand at the door and make sure the dogs do their business before breakfast. The problem is Sophie black and I lose her the moment she goes out the door. I can't see her on the steps next to Halona unless I turn on the porch light. Sometimes Sophie runs behind the trucks and then for all intents and purposes she has disappeared off the face of the earth. I can't tell if she's back there, if she snuck across the street to antagonize the neighbor's dogs, or if she's chewing on a pine cone. She doesn't always respond when called, particularly if squirrels are involved.

After much thought, I realized Labradors live by the following rules:

1. If Mom is looking don't do it. Unless it's really, really fun.

2. Squirrels are evil and need to die.

3. If anyone leaves a plate sitting unattended for more than 3 seconds they don't want it so go ahead and chow down. It's okay if the plate is on the counter. Just stand up on your hind legs. If anyone wanted that food they would be eating instead of looking in the fridge for a can of diet coke.

4. Don't listen to Mom yelling at you when you doing something Important like trying to rid the world of squirrels or cleaning up unwanted food.

5. All food is the source of happiness. Eat your food really fast so the coyotes can't get it.

6. The bed is the nicest place on earth.

7. Rabbits are squirrels with long ears and therefore need to die.

8. The river is the nicest place on earth.

9. If you stare at Dad long enough he'll drop some food.

10. Under the dinning room table is the nicest place on earth. Be ready when Dad drops food so the coyotes don't get it.